The Wrong Shivers
by LittlePotSticker
Summary: "I fucking love your dad." Ken/Shuu. Yaoi. Abuse. For Father's Day.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: While working on another story, this angsty little bit popped up in my head.**

 **Rather than ignore it completely until it ate me up from the inside, I decided to get it out of my system. Which(knowing me, it probably will) may or may not develop into a full blown story...**

 **If I could choose more than two categories, I'd pick romance, angst, and drama, but I don't make the rules.**

 **For all intents and purposes, Renji is Kensei's adopted son.**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

"There."

Fuck.

His hands are so warm.

Feels nice.

 **Would they feel this good wrapped around my throat?**

 _No_.

Fuck.

I _need_ to stop.

The heat doesn't help the pain shooting through the bridge of my nose, but it sure does take my mind off of it. I wiggle my nose and sniffle, the feeling of the gray adhesive bandage annoying the crap out of me. He moves on to wrap my sprained wrist.

Ow.

"Shit, sorry."

Ow.

"I'm not hurting you, am I?"

Ow.

I'm staring at his hands again.

 **What if he–**

 _No_.

Jesus Christ, I feel sick.

"It's a good thing Renji got you to me when he did. Per usual." He smirks a little.

Fuck.

That's new.

He shouldn't do that again.

"Though, I do wish he would've gotten you here sooner. I should just keep you around so you don't get hurt anymore." Another smirk, accompanied by a _chuckle_ this time.

Oh, _shut the hell up_.

"Watch the light." He lifts up the hair covering my right eye(my _bad_ eye) and waves a small light in it. I follow it as best I can. "How's your vision been?"

I shrug first, but immediately verbalize an answer. I'm trying to be more mature, "U-Um, it's better. My vision is…better…" That took a lot of energy for some reason.

He switches off the light. "Has the blurriness come back?"

 **Only around you.**

"Um…not lately." I habitually rub my eye(ow). An insecurity mechanism of mine.

"Hm. That's good." He nods slowly in thought. I _hate_ it when he does that.

"Shuuhei, _come on_! I'm going to play _without_ you!"

Renji, once again, you've saved me.

"Renji! Yell like that again in this house, and you'll be playing that fucking game _without_ a _controller_!"

Like always, he's unaware of the fact that he just yelled louder.

I smirk this time.

"Ridiculous, isn't he?" My smirk disappears when he looks back at me with a sigh. I manage a small smile and a nod. "Could you please remind your friend that we don't play video games until _after_ dinner?" I nod again and stand up, pace towards the door before I stop in my tracks.

"Oh!" I kind of shout the word and embarrass myself. He didn't even notice. "Um, thanks," I bite out quietly and look at my shoes.

I wish I was more confident. Not so shy.

"No problem." He ruffles my dark hair.

That makes me remember: I'm just a fucking kid to him.

"Just _try_ and keep _out_ of so much trouble, okay Shu?"

I don't like it when he calls me that, **but I don't want him to stop.**

I nod and slink out of the small washroom before he can see the anxious blush on my face.

I'm so _pathetic_. I've always been pathetic.

"Ren, your dad said to eat dinner before you play." I have to bite back the word 'Daddy,' which is what I _desperately_ want to call Mr. Muguruma in the dead hours of the night.

Is that weird?

"'kay, let me just start up the game." He tried to fiddle with the controls as fast as he could.

"Bro, come _on_! You're being an idiot!" I shout.

Speaking to Renji is almost like breathing. Much easier.

 **Considering the fact that I don't want to fuck him.**

 _Stop_.

"Seriously? Do I have to go _now_?" He calls out to his father. I nod with a sympathetic smile before he answers.

"Yes, you do! Now get your narrow ass down here!" I let out a low giggle.

"I fucking love your dad." My attempt to make everything seem normal. But I meant that in more ways than one.

"Ah, that old fart always has to ruin _everything!_ Such an asshole!" I laugh a little again. He places his controller on the floor and stands before putting his long red hair into a low ponytail.

It makes me wonder what his mom must've looked like.

I shake the thought and pack up my homework and such before I follow him down the hallway. The food smells amazing(ugh, my stomach). I really want to try some, but I have to go.

No telling if they'll lock the gates before I get there.

With that thought in mind, I sling my backpack on my shoulders and head towards the door.

"You're leaving?"

 _Shit_.

"Um, well I–" I stutter part of a response loud enough so he can hear me in the kitchen.

"What the hell, man?" Renji adds. "Aren't you going to eat with us?"

I seriously _don't_ need this.

"I _really_ gotta go, Ren." I never stutter when answering him. I need excuses. "We have that packet due tomorrow and–"

"Well, you can't work on an empty stomach, right?" He walks out of the kitchen to speak to me. He looks good with an apron.

 **I wonder what he'd look like with nothing on** ** _but_** **that apron.**

I shake my head; luckily that works as a response too. I find another excuse in the clock.

"I-I-I live kinda far so…I-I should probably start heading back before it gets dark."

"I can drive you."

Well you just have _all_ the _fucking_ answers, don't you?

"I-I don't want to run into trouble."

"I can just let your parents know you're with us."

I bite back a sick laugh, as that wasn't even _remotely_ close to what I meant.

"W-Well…I wouldn't want to…intrude…" I start fiddling with my hands, try to stop them from shaking. I'm out of excuses.

"No intrusion at all." He holds up his hand. "You're a friend of my son's( _don't_ remind me), so you're welcome here anytime."

"Kensei's right, Shu." He doesn't flinch at Renji's use of his first name. I don't shudder at Renji's use of my nickname. "Plus, I can hear your stomach growling. It's louder than a bear, dude."

As if on cue, my stomach lets out the most painfully loud rumble of my entire existence.

The universe seems to be painstakingly driven on making me the most miserable being on this planet tonight.

He grunts irritably. A sinful sound. "Stop being ridiculous." How'd he get behind me? "You're making this way more difficult than it needs to be. We'll get you filled up, and then after some downtime, I'll drive you home myself." He slips his careful fingers under the straps of my backpack and he slides them off. It passes in slow-motion for me.

Such _bullshit_.

The feel of his fingertips on the sensitive skin of my arms gives me shivers up and down my spine. It makes me feel warm, weak, with the intensity of my anxiousness, and the inevitability of his nonexistent intentions. I let out the smallest of breaths, but it feels like my lungs have collapsed in on themselves. I bow my head to hide my red face, and ball my fists to ease the clamminess.

Someone just kill me _now_.

Renji sniffs. A shrill beep fills the air.

"Shit, the food!"

Death by fire sounds pretty good.

* * *

"So," he starts and pauses to swallow his food, "what the hell happened today?"

I'm too nauseous to touch my food, or hear what he said to me.

After the fire was put out, I(stupidly) offered to cook, since they offered to have me. Mr. Muguruma would constantly pop in to check and see if Renji and I needed any assistance, or just to make sure clumsy me hadn't chopped off a hand, and that only reminded me more that I was a fucking child to him. But through my annoyance, I helped make some delicious(I think?) fried rice and slow-cooked beans with some sakuramochi for dessert. One-handed Shuuhei could still throw down in the kitchen.

"Shuuhei?"

 **God, the way he says my name just gets me so…**

I shiver again.

"Huh?"

" _You_ wanna tell him? Or should I?" Renji asks with a smirk.

"Uh…" _I_ don't fucking remember what he said. "You go 'head. You're the better story-teller anyway."

"I am, aren't I?" I playfully roll my eyes. "Well, there's this group of kids at school that no one likes, right?"

"Uh-huh," He answers then takes another bite. I can't stop watching his lips close around his chopsticks.

 **Imagine them closing around my–**

"So they start picking on this girl, Rangiku. Y'know, the one I told you about?" He makes gestures to his chest, and I wonder with a laugh why I chose to be friends with this fool. "So they start pushing her and touching her without her permission, and Shu just jumps right in! No warning to me whatsoever! Just left me hanging in the dust to save this girl!"

"Sounds like Shuuhei has a little crush. That's a first." He smirks playfully at me and I just keep my eyes down and my mouth shut.

This isn't the first time.

"Well, anyway, Shu shoves one guy's nose, I _shit you not_ , up into his _brain_. Before he can go to the second guy, he gets punched in the nose himself!" I subconsciously touch the bandage covering the broken skin. "He starts swinging again! Hits a guys temple and he falls right over! Another one grabs Rangiku again, and Shu pushes him, but not before he gets pushed to the ground. He tried to catch his weight, but ended up landing on his wrist."

A hiss rings from Mr. Muguruma. "Ouch. Must've hurt." He flashes another smile at me and I sink lower in my seat and concentrate on dying.

Oh, he really _shouldn't_ do that.

"Ren…"

"Nah, nah, let me finish! So Shuuhei's standing there, one arm useless, blood spilling down his face, and he starts swinging _again!_ He knocks another guy out, but that's when I had to jump in to save his ass from getting annihilated." Face redder than ever, I open my mouth to protest, but Renji cuts me off. "When all is said and done, and Rangiku got her few punches in, she walks up to Shuuhei and gives him a kiss right on the mouth!" Renji's shoulders begin to quake. "I've never seen him so red!"

I open my mouth again to say my case, but no sound comes out. I'm too embarrassed. Now they're both laughing at me.

"Well that was just stupid," he says playfully. "But I'm glad you two idiots have each others backs."

I give a small(fake) smile and as they talk and laugh about father/son things, I drag my chopsticks around my plate. I can't really eat properly with my right hand anyway. I can eat the mochi, though, and it's delicious, if I do say so myself. Mr. Muguruma compliments me on the meal and tells me I have great taste and talented hands(he doesn't even know), then jokes about me just having one talented hand at the moment. I smile at the banter towards me politely, but I just try to keep my head down and my thoughts to myself. Who knows what could have fallen out of my mouth if I wasn't paying attention?

Suddenly, a phone rings somewhere, and Mr. Muguruma gets up to get it. He sounds excited, like one of his good friends called. I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but I was't really interested in what Renji was talking about, so I secretly listened to his father.

" _No way_! The last date was terrible!… _So what_ if she was pretty? She was crazy!…And _so_ immature. You know I hate that…" I make a mental note of that for some reason. "I don't know if I can do this anymore, Rose…None of these women are mature enough for me…I know you guys want me to be happy, but Renji is my main concern right now. His well-being is my top priority…Yeah…I do miss her(Renji's mom?) but–Shinji get off the phone!" His laugh makes me feel like there is honey coating the walls of my inner ear. "Yeah, okay, I'll give it a try one more go…Y'know, you and Shinji are starting to make me question if you are really my best friends…" His face curls up into a devilish smile, and I almost fall out of my chair. When he says his goodbyes, I try to focus in on what Renji was talking about before he asks me if I was listening, but he immediately turns his attention to his dad. I'm safe for now.

As they speak I pay very close attention to him. The way his jaw moves when he chews, the way his nostrils flare when Renji says something stupid, the way the muscles in his arms tighten under the skin when he reaches across the table to grab something...

I need so much help.

* * *

After dinner, I make it to Renji's room and sit down next to him in front of his large TV.

He holds out a controller to me.

I hold up my bandaged hand and stare blankly at him, the gesture holding all the sarcasm I needed.

"Whatever, asshole." He snaps. I snicker.

"Dude, you don't know how much I wish I could play this game," I whine.

 **I wonder if he'd want me to whine like that for him…**

Renji is _right here,_ for crying out loud.

 _Shiver._

"Well, we have been waiting a _whole year_ for this new Smash Bros. game. If I were you I'd be depressed too," Renji responds with an arrogant tone.

"I never said I was depressed, idiot."

"Yeah, but be honest with yourself."

I shake my head and watch him choose his favorite characters and begin to think about what I'd been doing for the past year while waiting for this game, but I end up thinking about one thing only.

When I first met _him_.

It was maybe four years ago. I was about twelve, and in the midst of fetching a home run from a game of kickball. It rolled somewhere in the trees around the school, and when I went to go get it, I came face-to-face with a very patient mountain lion. I still feel like a coward for not defending myself that day, but I'm also thankful because _he_ wouldn't have been with me had it not happened. I was too shaken to move, so it attacked me first. After a scratch to the eye, I was bleeding profusely, and Renji, who I didn't know at the time, ran over with a large stick and started yelling. He intimidated the thing, that's for sure, because the next thing I knew I was being dragged into someones car and rushed into a hospital operating room. All I can remember from the operating table were really soft hands…they were warm and comforting, they made the pain a lot more bearable. When I woke up, Renji was in my room, along with his doctor father. The man who saved me, and has been saving me from smaller scrapes ever since. Renji became my best friend, and his father became my permanent doctor.

Oh, and the first person I've ever fell in love with.

Great story, right?

Shall I thrown in the parts when I started to get the urge to get on my knees whenever I was in his presence?

No?

Well, I guess that could be gathered by the events of today…

I started feeling this way about him maybe about a year ago, after I experimented with a kid in our class named Ichigo. The kid was about as shy as I was, but when the time came, he bent over and let me fuck him until his ass was red and sore. But my love for Renji's dad is nothing new, just the physical aspect of it is what I'm trying to figure out. I'd always had a little man-crush on him, but I'd never felt the need to grind on his leg until I–

"BOOYAH!" Renji shouts, startling me with his cheers for finishing off another challenger. I just smile and high-five him with my non-dominant hand, which turned out horribly. When Renji continued to play, I continued to watch, until the floor started to feel real comfortable, and my eyes started to feel a little…

* * *

When I stir awake, it's dark out, and Renji and I are both lying on the floor. He's dressed in his sweat pants and one of his dad's t-shirts, and for a moment, I wished our positions were switched. Though I steady my thoughts and bring myself to my feet. On Renji's bed, there's a note on top of another large t-shirt.

 _'Shu, I left this here for you in case you woke up late. You looked so peaceful while you two were sleeping, so I didn't want to wake you. But if you do wake up late, just throw your clothes in with the wash. I'll take care of it._

 _~Mr. M'_

I slowly picked up the shirt and held it up with trembling hands. It was his old football jersey.

Of all the fucking shirts…

I make sure Renji is still asleep before I press the shirt to my nose and inhale a little. A small shiver runs up my spine and I contemplate on if I should put on this thing that will certainly kill me, but I decide that if I'm gonna die young, I'm gonna die happy.

I quickly take off all my clothes, except my dark blue boxer briefs, and pull on the large jersey. It goes down to just above the hem of my briefs, and I couldn't have felt more content. I turn off Renji's console for him and quietly walk down the hallway. The TV is on a low volume, giving the dark room that familiar blue glow. I continue my way into the living room and around the corner of the couch to see one of the things I'd only dreamed of before now.

Mr. Muguruma is sprawled out on the couch, his work pants forgotten on a chair, his tie undone and hanging loosely around his neck, his shirt unbuttoned and messy, and his mouth open slightly, the sound of his light snores bringing that honey feeling back into my ears. I fiddle with my hands again, not sure what to do at this point. My mouth opens but I don't speak. I don't tap his foot. I don't do _anything_. The only thing I am strong enough to do is sit near the very edge of the couch facing him and tuck my knees under my chin as I observe him. His foot is almost touching my bare thigh, and I make it a priority to not let that happen. His other leg rests away from the couch completely. His legs are spread wide open. I let my eyes rake up his leg and as they get _dangerously_ close to where they wanna be, I shiver and my neck and face grow warm. His dark gray briefs hug his muscular thighs nicely and…and…It's not like my eyes have _never_ been transfixed on the man's crotch before(believe me), but, _it's_ never been this…this… _pronounced_. A _large_ bulge rests between his thighs, the member inside slightly swollen and jumping occasionally as his facial expression changes in reaction to whatever dream he's having.

"Mm… _Lisa_ …Daddy's girl is being _naughty~_ …" He sings in his sleep.

Oh. He likes to be called 'Daddy.'

That'll do _wonders_ for me whenever I look at him.

I swallow nervously as I look at his half-hard dick push at his tight underwear again. Questions fill my mind. _Filthy_ questions I can't help thinking of.

 **How big is it?**

 **What would it feel like?**

 **How does he like his sex?**

All questions I can't just _ask_.

While I think of these things, Mr. Muguruma stirs. He smiles in his sleep before his eyes flutter open. He lets out a large silent yawn and stretches his long limbs out in every direction. When his leg pushes against my rear, he jumps awake.

"Shuuhei, I didn't know that was you," he manages through a yawn.

"O-Oh. U-Uh, I-I'm sorry, if I woke you. I-I can just go back–"

"No," he slightly sits up and put his legs together. He pulls his shirt over his crotch. "No, it's okay. No harm done." He yawns again and rubs his eyes. "What's got you up?"

"Um, I-I couldn't sleep." He nods understandingly. "And I just wanted to t-thank you for the shirt. It's really comfortable."

"Well, I figured it beat sleeping in your school clothes."

Ouch. Once again he throws it in my face that we're not the same age.

"Yeah," I smile, and he smiles back.

A silent moment passes, and I look to the TV, but when I look back at him(hopefully my eyes aren't fooling me), his eyes are drawn to my exposed thighs and fabric-covered ass under my shirt. He shakes his head and shifts them away, unknowing that I was watching him, too. He turns his head away to the TV, but when I change sitting positions to test a theory, my knees raised and my legs slightly spread, his eyes occasionally flicker back to me through the corner of his eye.

Is he…attracted to me?

No…that'd be too good to be true…

I'm not…no. Not even close. But his eyes…

They flick away again.

He lets out a big sigh.

"There anything else you need, Shu? If not, I think you should get back to bed. I'm gonna do the same thing."

I just want to read his mind.

"A-Actually, there is one thing…" He raises his eyebrows as he listens. "Well, I…um…" Now or never, Hisagi. "I just…think that…" Just fucking say it. "I-I think…"

"Shuuhei, you gotta stop this mumbling thing."

"I-I just think that you're a really great person!" I get kind of loud when I blurt things out. "And I think it sucks that you're alone…You deserve someone that wants you just as much as you want them…t-that's all…"

"Oh…" I can tell I just made this more awkward than it needed to be. "Well…thank you. For your kind words." He scratches the back of his head. Shit…I'm ruining this. He makes a motion to get up. "Well, if that was all, then–"

Without thinking, I place my hand on his. He stops and looks down at them. Before he registers it, I just bite the bullet and push his shoulder until he's lying back down, his head resting on the arm of the couch. I'm careful not to rest my body on his yet, not until I explain myself, so I just kind of hover between his legs.

" _Shuuhei_?" His voice is panicked, but he keeps it down, so as not to wake the whole neighborhood. I've heard his real panicked voice, and it closely resembles his angry voice.

Both are extremely hot, by the way.

"I-I also wanted to say that…well, I overheard you talking on the phone, a-and you've been looking for someone mature…and I thought…" He looks terrified, his brown saucers almost all black due to the tension, but he doesn't stop me. Maybe he's too shocked. "I-I just thought maybe…maybe I could give it a try and…you won't be so lonely anymore. I can make you not so lonely…if you want."

I take his even more shocked expression to slowly move my legs to straddle his waist. It's almost painfully wide between my thighs, but I don't rest just yet. I move lower to him, my heart running like a wild horse, and my body feeling hotter than usual.

I just want to kiss him…his lips are so close…right there…

"Shuuhei," his voice, for once, has no hint of the gruffness that makes him… _him_. I feel his hand on my chest. "Shuuhei…do you realize how inappropriate you're being?" I pull back and stare into his dark eyes, mortified, because his tone sounds full of…

Pity…

Like a teacher scolding a child.

"Look, I am so sorry if I made you think this was okay. If I did anything that sent the wrong message, I truly apologize." I bite my lip and try to ignore him by capturing a kiss anyway, but he stops me again. "Shuuhei," he sounds a little irritated, "what could you possibly know about 'maturity?' How could you possibly think you know what I want? I'm _34_. You're, what, _16_? You're a _kid_ , Shu…"

My heart suddenly feels heavy, and I can feel darkness growing around me.

No…I'm so close…

This is all I want…

I can't just…give it up…

…I'll show him.

I'll show him who's the kid.

 _No_.

I'll show him a fucking _man_.

"I never said I knew what you wanted," I speak lowly, in a voice I don't even recognize.

"What?"

"I said I'd give it a try. So that's what I'm going to do."

I continue my decent, but instead of pecking his lips, I pepper kisses all around his neck, near his ear, down his throat, and to his chest too. He lets out a sigh, and, _oh_ , I know _that_ fucking sigh.

Don't try to fight this.

" _No_ …" He pushes at my chest again but I move his hand away. I lick a trail down his throat, and I feel him swallow nervously. I smirk into his neck and suck hard on one spot, and he grips my neck gently. "S-Shuuhei…ugh…s-stop…"

Oh my God. I just want him to grab me tighter.

"Shuuhei, I don't want to have to…" He shudders out a sigh underneath me. "h-hurt you to remove you, so just _stop_."

I don't listen.

Instead, I slip out of my boxers, finally rest my hips on him, place my good hand on the armrest beside his head, and I begin to slowly, cautiously, grind my hips into his lap, just to test the waters. This action, which makes him swallow hard, lets me feel his cock so _fully_ , despite the layer between us. I can feel it quickly hardening, and pressing upwards between my bare cheeks.

 ** _Fuck_** **, that feels** ** _so_** **good…**

I do this because I want him to know what he's doing to me, how fucking _ready_ I am for him.

And I want him to like it.

" _Listen_!" He whispers a yell, but I cut him off by grinding down harder and faster, making sure he feels me getting hard too. He freezes. I look him in the eye with the most intense stare I could muster. I notice his briefs are beginning to dampen with my pre-cum. I hear the breath leave him for a moment as he screwed his eyes shut. He inhales before opening them again.

"Shuuhei, please," I just want him to beg me for more, " _please, don't do this_." My mouth goes back to his neck; his hand goes back to my neck. "I _can't_ – _we_ can't– _this isn't right_." I continue to grind on him and he just grips my neck tighter.

I know what he wants to do. Just a little tighter, and it'd get him off so quick.

"But it feels good, right Kensei?" I'm back to my innocent, quiet self, hoping that doesn't give him the strength to back out. He shivers at my use of his first name. "Let me make you feel good, _Daddy_." With the use of his special word, I slowly but roughly drag my hips up his lap, resting my ass barely on the tip of his constrained member. It gives an angry throb at the teasing friction.

"Shit…" He tries to hide it in a mumble, but I smirk in the darkness when I hear it.

"I just want to make you feel good, Daddy."

Oh, this is my dream.

" _Don't…_ call me that," he bites out angrily.

"It feels good when I call you that, right?" I reach behind me and pull down his briefs so that his cock springs out. "I can make you feel even better." It brushes against my ass and it feels so fucking monstrous…but I fucking want it so bad.

" _Don't_." I begin to stroke him, his veiny girth barely fitting into my small hand. "Oh… _fuck_ …" His forehead glistens with sweat.

 _There you are._

Kensei starts to let out a few quiet groans at a time and before I know it, he's already fully hard and slick with his own pre-cum. I slather it up and down his shaft, being sure to occasionally press it up against my fleshy rear. I lean up and pull his cock forward and begin prodding at my entrance.

He's _big_.

His hand shoots into his hair, where he continuously runs through the silver filaments. His other hand grips the back of the couch.

He won't touch me.

But he wants to.

"God…this is so fucking _wrong_."

I want him to touch me, too, so instead of pushing him inside, I just gently grind on the tip, giving it just enough friction to drive him mad.

Kensei uses the hand from the couch to bite on his knuckles, muffling his groans. I feel him slightly grind back, sliding more of his dick between my warm cheeks.

Nope.

If you want it, _come get it_.

I lift up, so that his member is exposed to nothing but the cool night air, and he stifles another helpless groan. I feel strong, hot hands suddenly at either side of my waist. The grip tightens, and he forces me down, slowly stretching me over half him. I cover my mouth, a painful gasp trying to squeeze itself through my fingers. My muscles immediately push back, but eventually adjust around his thickness as I use my strong hand to anchor myself on his broad chest. His eyelashes are fluttering, and his gaze never leaves me as he moves his hands to find a better spot to grip my hips.

Before I am ready, he pulls my hips down to ease the rest of him into me in one, clean movement. It hurt more than the first time. When I am convinced there is no more, and our thighs are seated together, he grinds up hard, making sure there is nothing between us. He moans through a sigh and bites his lip. His cheeks are tinted pink in the darkness, his lids heavy over glazed eyes.

 _He_ looks like the fucking kid.

I let him lift me, feeling all of him leave me at once, a feeling I only dreamed of, before he eases me back down.

I combine this with the swiveling movements of my hips, and soon I'm lifting and dropping and grinding and doing all sorts of tricks to get my fill.

Though I guess he wasn't letting himself get his.

When my movements begin to slow, he starts a new pace, his stronger-than-I-thought grip guiding me to a speed he likes. It's quick, a little overwhelming, but when he lifts me again, he slowly sinks me down and I let out a little gasp. I place my hand back on the arm rest, so that our faces are inches away as I'm riding out all the frustration that has built up in me. My face gets closer to his.

I want to kiss him.

My advancements are stalled once again when he thrusts up hard. In doing so, his cock jabs my prostate, making my eyes roll back and my mouth fall open in a quiet moan. I think I saw him smirk. He's going to start really fucking me soon. He starts thrusting up quickly and violently making whines and moans easily fall out of my mouth. His pace makes my breathing become choppy and my moans become nothing but broken grunts.

It's fucking magical.

I can hear his breathing becoming labored, and his fingers dig deeper into my skin and draw blood. A string of what I assumed were curses roll off his tongue, and he closes his eyes, his face screwing up in concentration. I lean up and grip the couch, steadying myself as he fucks me impossibly faster, the tight coil building in my stomach indicating the fireworks to come. He continues his violent assault, his goal to abuse nothing but that bundle of nerves inside of me until I melt for him. I control my volume, but his grunts and groans get louder and louder until I'm afraid we'll get caught. But I don't care. Nothing beats this. As I get lost in my own pleasure, I almost don't notice him pull my head to the side and sink his teeth into my shoulder as he snaps his hips up one last, hard time. He doesn't release my shoulder as he starts grunting sporadically, making me gasp and moan at the feeling of his large cock twitching against my insides and gushing plentiful, hot bursts inside of me. I begin to feel full of warmth, and he keeps thrusting slowly while he rides it out. When he's finished, he lays back to catch his breath. I take advantage of the moment and lean up to ride him, eager to find my own release before his cock softens up. He reaches under my shirt for my own member, and begins to stroke it in rhythm with my motions and I am about to come harder than I ever have in my entire life, but something stops me.

My eyes go wide before I force myself down onto him, hiding behind the couch.

"Kensei?" Renji's sleepy voice calls out with a yawn. I don't look at Renji, I just cover my mouth to block my shaky breaths.

I feel him take a deep breath before answering. "Yeah." Oh, he's _good_.

"Where's Shuuhei?"

Fuck.

He's still stroking my dick. Does he know?

"I took him home about an hour ago. I tried to convince him to stay, but he insisted on going." The lie flows effortlessly out of his mouth, and it makes me wonder what kind of person he really is. I bite back a grunt.

"Oh." Renji sounds disappointed, but he's too tired to really mean it.

"Go back to bed. You'll see him tomorrow at school."

"Yeah, okay. G'night."

Kensei grunts a response, and as the sound of Renji's footsteps retreat to the back of the house, I let it all out, my body twitching and trembling against his and my cock emptying itself in a few short spurts all over his hand and stomach. When I'm done whimpering(a sound that made him groan pleasurably), I raise my body to look up at him, to kiss him. He's already staring at me, his chocolate gaze filled with what I find to be a mixture of confusion, fascination, satisfaction, and…

Hatred…?

He pulls out of me, and I ignore the stream of his release flowing out while I wait for his words.

Though I dread what they might be.

* * *

 **Cliffhangers, am I right ladies?**

 **It's apparently what I do best.**

 _ **~EMAE**_


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Goddammit I hate what I do to myself.**

 **I shouldn't be extending this, but my mind gave me no choice.**

 **I'm trying to work under a MAXIMUM of five chapters, but who knows? Not even me.**

* * *

 ** _~Kensei's POV~_**

I'm so fucked.

Literally, like life decided it couldn't find a better way to fuck me.

 _Fuck_.

Fucking _fuck_.

"Get up," I order in an angry voice. I slightly push him off of me, and when he stands he bites his lip and falls to his knees. I can see his arms shaking to keep himself up, but I don't care.

" _Ouch_ ," he groans when he gets up off the floor.

I'm a little shaky as I scramble to gather the kid's stuff.

He's not moving fast enough, and it's pissing me off, but I guess it's my fault.

I throw his clothes on the floor next to him. "Get dressed." I quickly slip on my pants as he struggles to do the same. He winces when he moves a leg or his hips, and I just get impatient. I shove the clothes into his backpack and quickly get him out the door. I watch him walk in front of me, trying to ignore the slight limp in his step. "Get in." I unlock my burgundy Tesla and hop inside.

Now we're speeding through the streets, all signs of life asleep in their homes like we should be. I keep my window rolled down and my hand over my face while I drive, hopeless attempts to stop the hot blood from pumping into my face due to my embarrassment. I refrain from looking at him, mostly because I'm so ashamed at what I've done. I do glance over at him once, though. His face is as red as mine, his hands squeezing themselves nervously, and my jersey barely covering his pale, supple thighs. He shivers a bit then pulls his jacket over his shoulders, covering the large bruise I placed on the left from biting him.

It _shouldn't_ turn me on.

 _He's a kid._

 _You fucked him._

 _He's a kid._

 _You fucked him._

 ** _You fucked a fucking kid._**

 ** _And you fucking liked it._**

A voice in my head scolds me, though I'm not sure who it belongs to. Could be mine. Could be Satan's.

Does it fucking matter, though?

What I've done is so unspeakably wrong...How can I live with myself?

I think of his pleading face, the soft little whines he gave, those pouty lips calling me ' _Daddy_ ' in _that_ fucking voice.

Was that the same kid sitting in my car right now? Shuuhei? The shyest kid I'd ever had the pleasure of knowing?

It couldn't have been…but it was…

I wish my car would go faster.

His home is way across town, not in a very good area either. I check my clock and see that it's a little over 3:00 a.m.

 _Great_. How will I explain this to his parents?

My tires screech to a halt in front of a large apartment complex, causing the neighborhood dogs to start barking. He doesn't move, and for a second I think he's trying to find something to say. Before he gets the opportunity, I swiftly get out and close the door, leaning against the window. I wait for him to get out, and when I hear his door close, I wait for him to walk across the street and into his complex, but he stops in front of me instead. He moves closer than I was ready for and leans up, pressing his lips tightly to mine and slipping his tongue through. I have to force myself to pull away gently.

A short sigh escapes me. "Go home, kid," I say curtly. His face falls in discouragement, and I see the different emotions mixed in. Confusion, disappointment, sadness, hurt…I will myself to not care. He drops his head and secures his bag on his shoulders then walks away, the limp in his step no better than it was at my place. He doesn't mention anything about me speaking to his parents, so I just assume that they are used to this.

But I wonder why that is?

Over the next few weeks, I work vigorously, trying to keep that night from crossing my mind ever again. Renji constantly asks if the kid can come over again, but I always tell him we have plans or that I'm too tired to take any of his friends home that late again. It isn't a total lie, though. I am tired, and I don't want to have to take anyone home at 3:00 a.m. again. But I also don't want to see his friend. I don't want to see the one thing that will remind me that I will be going to hell as soon as my time here on this planet is done. I ask Renji why he just doesn't go to his house, and he tells me it's because the kids parents are strict. And that he needed to get out of his house because he'd been feeling really down lately. Renji said he was even afraid he might be depressed.

Yeah, right. That would most likely be my fault.

How could I do that to him? A kid? I probably really fucked up his head...

I still can't believe I let myself do something so monumentously stupid. I hadn't thought anything through.

What if he opens his mouth? What if he blackmails me?

 _What if he tells Renji?_

My heart drops.

I couldn't live if I knew that Renji hated me.

But neither could he, right? So he wouldn't tell him.

Even that thought didn't give me any solace.

Rose set me up on some blind dates with a few more women over the weeks, and I thought that was a good idea. It would clear my head at least. Right? Well, things were great on the first few dates...but that was always up until we got back to their apartment. I remember the worst one as clear as day. We were kissing and grabbing each other everywhere, and I even got her to give me head...but it was her head that was too familiar. Hers was full of shortly cut black locks, a mess upon her skull...just like his. Her moans were soft and high-pitched like his and everything. I don't think I've ever pulled my dick out of a girl's mouth so fast in my life. I hurriedly pulled my pants back up, and after mumbling an apology, I hightailed the hell out of there. The next day on my lunch break, I got an angry phone call from Rose(if there ever was such a thing), claiming that I'd thoroughly embarrassed him, and that he doesn't even know why he tries to help me so much.

"Because you're my best friend, baka," I groan over my end.

"And I'm convinced I let you take advantage of that fact a little too much."

"Whatever."

"Kensei, do you realize how long it took me to find a girl like Sui? A girl that had similar... _ahem_... _'interests'_ as you? And I think she hadn't been sexually active in quite some time..."

"Yeah, I could tell by the way she attacked me on her bedroom floor." I shift in my seat, my lower half remembering the things she attempted to do to it.

"That night would have been perfect for the both of you!"

"Y'know, you're not making me feel better, Rose." I pinch the bridge of my nose in regret. I probably should've just fucked her. I've been so horny lately, and it's been 2 months since...

 _Noooo_ I can't think about _that_.

"Then I'm doing exactly what I intended. Kensei Muguruma, you need to get yourself together if you ever want to start dating again. These girls are lining up with their hearts wide open for you; not to mention their _legs_ , when they get a good look at you. Do you know how many men would kill to be in your shoes?"

I didn't know _exactly_ how many men wished they could be me, but I knew the number was _high_. I'd been blessed with the great physical features of a god(so I've been told), and an even greater amount of sexual stamina.

"A lot, I'm assuming."

" _Kensei_ , how can you be so blasé about these things?" He grumbled. I could tell Rose was getting irritated with me, and from the sound of his voice, he probably thought I was being ungrateful. That wasn't true of course, but I'd been down this road so many times that this stuff seems as familiar a routine as brushing my teeth.

The women I'd been with _always_ wanted me for sex, to give them all I had, to do _whatever_ I wanted with them, and then send them on their merry way with a limp that would last for a week. And, believe me, I'm _not_ complaining. Women just naturally threw themselves at me, begged me to fuck them unconscious, and I'd lost count of to how many I'd done just that(I'm pretty sure that number was up there with the men that wanted to be me). One of my coworkers even quit her job because I told her I didn't date(or fuck) people that I worked with. That afternoon, she showed up at my car with a resignation form in her hand and her panties already soaking wet. She invited me back to her place(again), and I told her I had to pick up my son from baseball practice, but she begged me, so I let her get in and fucked her from behind. I had her coming in minutes like I always had them(and asking for a second round, which lasted about the same time), and made sure I was still on time to pick up Renji.

Hey, there was no way I was letting my sexual endeavors get in the way of my being a good father.

But even with the fulfillment I got from being a father, I still felt...kind of empty. All these women were using me(of course I was using them, too) to pleasure themselves, like I was a common sex toy. They were focused on one thing: getting themselves off on something that would last them days. But none of them were ever concerned about what I wanted. They were never interested in how I wanted things done to me, too. I wanted to not have to take control every time, I wanted to not have to worry about getting them off as soon as possible, and then watching them leave before I even got the chance to finish. It was always 'make me come,' and never 'let me make _you_ come,' and I wanted someone to have me coming in mere minutes for once.

 _I can make you not so lonely...i-if you want._

Oh shit.

 _It feels good, right?_

Nonononono...this is not happening.

 _I just want to make you feel good, Daddy._

Fuck.

I'm so _fucked_.

* * *

I've been driving back and forth in front of Shuuhei's apartment for hours, contemplating on whether or not I should go through with my plan.

I take a long drag of my cigarette. "That could be the reason..." I mumble to myself.

I'd theorized that, because the kid had practically _begged_ me, not to fuck him, but to let _him_ fuck _me_ , the part of my brain that had craved that full satisfaction from sex was triggered. He'd offered me what I wanted, and my body responded positively to the mutual way he wanted to make me feel. That's why I couldn't get him out of my head. He was reminding me of what I wanted. That's why I couldn't move on from this. And I'd come up with a plan that maybe if I saw him, give my brain that small satisfaction, then I'd be free. I'd recognize the source of my desire, and realize that it could come from anywhere else. That it didn't only have to come from this... _boy_.

It was either that plan, or fuck the kid the way I fucked all those women, and erase that night all together by replacing it with one that was so much like the others.

Neither appealed to me.

But I had to do _something_...

It was starting to get dark out, so me driving back and forth was probably concerning his neighbors. To be quite frank, I was concerning _myself_. Could I really go through with this? I had to try. But where was the kid? Either he was inside due to the oncoming night, or he had to be on his way, right? I hope he's alright...

No! I _don't_ care! I have to remind myself that I don't care.

I see someone walking swiftly to the front gate.

 _There he is._

I snuff out my cigarette and watch as he walks down the sidewalk to the front gate. His pace is slow and his head is down, and I immediately think of what Renji said about him seeming depressed. Shit...He punches in a gate code and walks in, the gate giving out a loud buzz.

 _Stupid kid,_ I think. _Doesn't he know that someone could be watching him?_

...

Well, someone _other_ than me. Someone with much more malicious intent.

I'm having major second thoughts...

No. I need to do this.

I get out of the car and close my door as quietly as I can then throw my cigarette in the street before twisting my foot on it. I manually lock the doors so the alarm doesn't signal. I probably shouldn't leave the Tesla out here in the open, but I remember that it's just a car, and that I can get a new one. I jog across the street and stop to think about how I'm going to get inside. I could call for him at the gate or I could wait for someone to open it...but those would take too long. I glance up at the tall gate. I might be able to reach the first bar if I jump...I do. Now I have to think about how I'm going to get over. There isn't a low enough bar to use my feet so I get them as high as I can then swing them so I'm upside down. My back muscles scream in protest, but I don't make a sound. I flip over, making sure not to impale myself on the spiked tops, and fling myself away, causing me to land on my ass with a soft thud. I stand with a groan and rub my backside, suddenly understanding how the kid felt when I'd forced him out of my house that night...

Now which apartment was his...

They all look the same, yellow spackle on walls which were trimmed with brown. I can hear a few screaming babies here and there, and the same dogs from last time scratching at the doors to get at my unfamiliar scent. Each has a black iron screen door, some of them rusted, and a small bulb for a porch light. They don't give off much light, but it's enough so that I can make it to the stairwell that leads to both complexes. There are small weeds growing from cracks in the pavement and I can smell someone burning something...food, I hope. The place is not so appealing to the eye...

"Hisagi!" I freeze before hiding near some dumpsters. I find the source of the voice and see a large man banging on the last of the doors on the third floor of the complex on the left. "I'm putting your mail on the door!" He sticks the mail between one of the bars and the screen, and proceeds to walk away but turns around. "Oh, yeah and tell your folks rent is two months past due!"

Oh _shit_.

His fucking _parents_.

I totally forgot about them.

Well, fuck. What am I supposed to now? Just barge right in with 'Hi, I'm Shuuhei's friend's 34-year-old father, and I'm here to fuck your son so I can get on with my life because I'm a pathetic asshole.'? Yeah, that's not gonna work. I might as well ask if they could give me a ride to the police station.

Mission abort.

"Hisagi, you hear me?" He continues to call him and bang on the door. "As soon as they get back in town, I'm kicking you _all_ out if they don't pay up! Hisagi!"

They're not here? Mission resumed.

"I fucking hear you!" I see the kid's silhouette emerge from the apartment and snatch the mail from the door. I've never heard his voice so full, or audible for that matter. He's usually mumbling when he talks to me.

"You'd better watch it. I'm doing them a favor by watching over you until they get back."

Shuuhei says nothing and just slams the door shut. The guy who I assume is the landlord turns away and walks back down the stairs and goes to his own apartment on the first floor of the right complex. I quietly make my way up the two stories and stop in front of his door.

Apartment 307.

I take a deep breath and give the door a light tap. When a few seconds go by, my impatience prompts me to knock a little harder. The door is yanked open, and I come face to face with the kid. His dark gray eyes gleam angrily at first(probably due to him thinking I was his asshole landlord), then change immediately to star struck. His mouth drops open and his cheeks flush heavily, and I raise an eyebrow. He had quickly changed out of his school clothes, as he is now wearing _my fucking jersey_ over some sweats. His hands squeeze the bottom of the jersey, twisting themselves in it and nervously wringing it around. I notice the wrap around his wrist is gone, all that's left is a small black and yellow patch from where it was bruised. The bandage over the bridge of his nose is still there, the cut apparently not healed yet. His injured eye squints to see me better.

My body slowly heats up at the thought of just touching him...and it fills me with rage. My fists clench with the urge to punch him. No, not punch him. I don't want to hurt him. To force him down, to make him cry, to scare him...to do...something...I hate that he suddenly has this effect on me that he's never had before.

As I stand here in front of this kid, I realize that _just_ looking at him isn't gonna solve a damn thing.

"M-Mr. Muguruma..." He finally lets out the breath he probably didn't know he was holding. "What're you...I-I—" He stumbles backwards when I force myself into his home.

After I close and lock the door, I look at him, my eyes swirling with darkness, before I shove him. Hard. He lets out a pained cry when his back hits the wall behind him, the sound immediately cut off when the wind gets knocked out of him. I grab the front of my jersey and tug him towards his small hallway. He stumbles the whole way, trying to keep up, but doesn't make a sound past his labored breathing. I force open every door, searching for the one so I can get this over with. I come to the last door on the right, across from the bathroom. I open it, and inside is a bed, a dresser, a slightly cracked mirror, a closet, and I spot a guitar in the corner. Though none of those things interest me. I throw him on the bed, and he sits up to look at me with wide eyes. I stare at him, mine heavy lidded and filled with fire.

He _should_ be scared.

I start to unbutton my shirt, and he's dazed at first, but eventually gets the message and stands to untie his sweats. His hands are pale and shaking. I smirk in the dim lighting of the room.

He's getting scared. _Good_.

He stops completely and stares at his hands, as if silently pleading with them to move properly, to not be frightened. But, oh no, I intend to _keep_ him that way. I shrug my shirt to the ground and begin unbuckle my jeans. My impatience gets the better of me for the second time tonight and I stride over to him, yanking his shirt so he stumbles to his knees. I pull my jeans and briefs down in the front, enough for my swelling cock to spring out. I stroke it in front of his face, knowing that'll scare him because he's never _seen_ it. I have to remind myself that I'm supposed to treat the kid like one of the women.

 _Don't hold back, stud_ , they would say. I won't.

When I'm at least half hard, I grab a handful of his thick black hair and pull up, opening his mouth a bit and pushing the reddening head of my cock between his lips. He lets out a muffled sound when I push my hips forward, sliding more slowly into his mouth. I bite my lip at the feeling of the wet cavern taking me in, and I almost release his hair. But I'm in control here. My head pokes at the back of his throat and he coughs, prompting him to shut his eyes. I hold there, until he pushes my thighs in an attempt to get air. I do pull back, but I grip his hair tighter, eliciting a cry from him, and giving me the opportunity to thrust into his mouth again. I keep my thrusts slow and long at first, dragging his hair to move his head along my length, but then pick up the pace when I spot the tears spotting the corners of his eyes. Shuuhei chokes hard, but I don't let up. He gurgles and spurts around me, giving me the rush I'd been missing. The room is filled with the sounds of coughs and chokes and slurps, accompanied by my hard grunts and his whimpers. When I think he might suffocate, I pull out of his mouth, allowing him to cough and swallow excess saliva, causing it to run down his chin. He opens his glistening eyes and looks up at me, lips red and panting, chin wet with his saliva and my pre-cum, pleading for something. I shove right back in. He finally lets his jaw go slack, giving me more freedom and him more air, and I chuckle audibly.

The kid is learning.

I think about going until I fill his throat to the brim with my cum, but I remember why I came here.

 _Use me_. I hear the women again. I plan to.

I pull my dick out of his mouth once again, saliva dripping all along the shaft, making it glisten in the scarce light in the room. The cool night air feels good against the wet skin. I shove him back on his ass as I move to step completely out of my jeans, my cock bobbing up and down with my movements. He takes it as another queue and stands, but his hands are shaking again. I turn him around, proceeding to yank his sweats off of his hips and rip my jersey down the back. The kid lets out another scared noise. I shove him face down on the bed, and when he tries to turn around to me, I push his head into the mattress. He whimpers again. My favorite sound. When I climb onto the bed, his form trembles with the movement of my weight. I give my member a few good strokes as I inspect his body. His skin is flawless and pale, like ivory, and his back rises and falls rapidly with his frantic breaths. I drench a finger with my saliva and drag it down his spine, the smoothness of his skin turning me on even more. I follow the wet trail with my cool breath causing his back to arch. His whole body is restless, and just watching it undulate as I touch myself makes me just want to cover that tight little white ass with cum.

I should just get on with it. Fuck him numb like all those women and be on my merry way.

But that glowing skin is too pretty to leave untouched.

Plus I know a color it would look better in.

He cries out loudly when I bring my hand down _hard_ on his right ass cheek. It shakes so nicely with the impact before retaining it's shape. He moves to get up, but I press my hand down between his shoulder blades, immobilizing him(one trick Rose used on me when we messed around one time, heh). I sit on his thighs, and smirk at how helpless he is, and at how agonizingly close my dick is to his ass. _Soon_. The mark of my hand quickly turns an angry red, a stark contrast to the pale flesh, but I gently rub it to ease the pain. Right before I slap it again. He cries out louder at the feeling of the tender flesh being accosted further, but that earns him a smack on the other side. Each time he makes a sound, I'll hit him, and he'll catch on soon. He winces with a cry at each harsh slap, tears welling in his eyes and his hands fisting the comforter. To tease him, I slide my dripping cock between the violated cheeks, gently prodding at his entrance then pulling away swiftly when he tries to grind back. He whines, I smack.

"Ow!"

Slap.

"Ah!"

Slap!

" _P-Please_!"

 _SLAP_!

Even when he begs me to stop, they get progressively harder, and I'm afraid that soon, I'll be tearing skin. Well, if it comes to it, it can't be helped. I knead his ass, soothing him again and he sighs. I smack him. He cringes, but doesn't make a sound. I chuckle. Another, just to be sure. Nothing. His head is buried in his comforter, and assume his shaking shoulders means he's on the verge of crying. I smirk. This is too fun. And so fucking hot. I press myself between his ass again, dragging it up and down the crevice, easing the tension in the red and swollen flesh. I see him turn his head to the side, probably to speak. I ready my hand.

"P...Please..." I bring my hand down swiftly. " _Daddy_..." My hand stops just inches above. His face is red, his abused lips parted with his breaths, big, fat tears rolling down his cheeks. His scarred eye looks at me, pleading. "Please...I'll be quiet, Daddy...I promise..." I swallow thickly. "Just please...stop...It hurts, Daddy...I'll be good... _please_..." He closes his eyes.

He's finally terrified.

In the best possible way.

I spit in my hand and move it up and down my now dry length. I grip both ass cheeks in my hands and spread them, revealing the pink and quivering hole to me. Something in me wants to lean forward and devour him until he melts, but I just settle for spitting on the tight and puckered entrance. I press the tip in carefully, then inch myself inside as quick as I can. He gasps underneath me when I slowly pull out, but I pay him no mind as I start thrusting.

In, out, in, out, in, out. I keep my rhythm steady, but fast, how I like it. The kid grips the blanket as he moans and sobs and cries fall out his mouth indistinguishably. The sound of skin slapping skin fills the air of the tiny room, and spurs me on to go harder. I abuse his tight hole as much as I please, and all he can do is cry like the big baby he is. I remember him telling me he was ready for me, willing to be so mature for me. But look at him now, a sobbing mess when I show him the real me.

I'm not your Daddy, kid.

He comes in just a few short minutes, his body quaking violently and his hole constricting almost painfully around me. I take much longer, so for a while I essentially just fuck his limp body until I feel my end nearing. I get in a few more thrusts until I feel my balls tighten. I push as far into him as I can go, trying to burn the memory of my thick, twitching cock deep within the tight little canal. With a groan, I bite that same shoulder as I empty myself into him, flooding wave after wave of my cum deep inside him until it spills out around me.

Seconds pass, and when I'm sure I've pumped all I had into him, I get up and roughly yank myself from his ass. He flinches roughly and lets out a whimper at my action, but I ignore it as I begin to dress. I'm not sure if he's still conscious(or alive) so I move to see. He's conscious, alright, the trembling breaths coming out of his mouth making that evident. I see his hands still twisted into the comforter, the knuckles turning white. I sit on the edge of his bed to put my pants on, and he flinches away from me, his body curling into itself, back facing me. I watch him with curious eyes as he pulls the comforter under his head, cradling it. I notice the glistening sweat on his back, as well as the cum dripping from his pink cheeks. The cum is slightly pink, too, and I realize that he's bleeding a little. Something in me feels horrible that I've put him in this state of shock, afraid I'd hurt him, but I stand and shake my head. I don't care.

Outside, my Tesla was untouched, and I drive home and see that Renji had prepared dinner. We sit and chat and talk about our respective days. A normal night in. I listen, but my mind occasionally drifts back to that tiny room in that tiny apartment.

Hopefully, the kid will learn from this.

I'm not the knight in shining armor he'd hoped for. I'm not the man who would magically fall in love with him after he gave me a good fuck. I have a family and a life. I have a job, and a reputation, and bills to pay.

I'm a grown man. And I _fuck_ like a grown man.

I had to move on with my life.

But...my body craved for him to be in it.

* * *

 **Kensei is a dirty bird.**

 **He's** **tried to convince himself that Shuuhei is just another person who wanted him for sex, and Shuuhei got the wake up of a lifetime.**

 **I wonder where they'll go from here?**

 _ **~EMAE**_


	3. Chapter 3

**A** **/N: I've started university, and as you know, that has to be my top priority. I will still be uploading when I can because it's something I love to do.**

 **Now, it was brought to my attention that the last chapter was full of some sensitive material. I apologize and realize that I should have given everyone a proper warning. In advance, I'd like to inform everyone that the Kensei in this AU can be selfish, unfeeling, and downright sadistic at times throughout the story. The smut written for this story is mostly rough, and may border on abuse for some people. So I'm sorry for anyone who is offended by the content.**

 **For those who gave me lots of praise, thank you! I appreciate every word of support!**

* * *

 _ **~Shuuhei's POV~**_

I let out a shaky sigh as I lower myself into the scalding green water. The herbal smell invades my lungs, and I just sit still for a moment until I'm able to lay back. Pain shoots up my back, and I let out a hiss until it subsides. When I'm comfortable, I sink lower into the bath up to my nose.

Holy. Shit.

I might not make it to school today.

I could barely make it out of bed.

I can thank Mr. Muguruma for that.

He showed up here, smelling like cigarettes and the smallest hint of whiskey, and left me with a back on fire, and overall just feeling like shit. Not to mention a throbbing in my ass that threatened to force me into a wheelchair.

Talk about sensory overload...All that pain...but it was _totally_ worth it.

Best. Birthday. Ever.

Well, my birthday was two days ago, so I guess it was a belated present. Still...I've never felt such a rush in my entire life. My body was on fire in so many ways, good ways and bad. He simultaneously teased and beat the shit out of me until my cock was aching. And although I was kept in a painfully hard state for _way_ too long, I would give anything to feel that way again. Hopefully, I would soon. Because it had been two months since I'd seen Mr. Muguruma, and he just showed up at my doorstep and fucked me senseless. I was pissed at myself because I had completely frozen up when I'd opened my door to him. I wasn't prepared, and I was afraid he'd seen that, but instead he dragged me to my bedroom and showed me a side of him I'd never imagined. Trust me, it _was_ scary; I had almost pissed myself because the usual gentle man I'd known disappeared in a heartbeat. And then the spanking began...but I never thought it would feel so damn _good_.

And besides, those are the things you do for love, right? Well, I guess I've never really had an example to go off of, but the principles should be pretty basic. I'll fucking let him hit me _all he wants_.

Love means sacrifice, and I hope mine was good enough for him.

I want him to come back.

I love him. Well, I _think_ I do.

The fact that he came back once already means he might love me too, right?

 _Yeah_.

I'd have to find a good time to tell him.

I let him do whatever he wanted, so he should come back.

Sometime...

When I can walk a little better, I get up and get dressed as quick as I can. I check the clock and see that it's 5:10. I have to catch the six o' clock train or I won't get to school on time. After I finish what I had left of my homework, I cover up the bite marks on my shoulder with a scarf. Good thing it's starting to get cold out...I grab my guitar and rush to the kitchen to grab something to eat, the ache in my backside making me wince with every step. I check the cupboards and the fridge, and all I find is some recently expired milk. Oh, well. I roll my eyes and pace for the door again. Maybe Izuru would have something he could share with me again.

I guess I haven't been taking care of myself for the past two months...I haven't been grocery shopping, I haven't turned in a lot of my homework, and I haven't been able to hang out with Renji. But my depression was mostly because his father hadn't shown his face or sought me out in any fashion. I love him, and I thought he didn't love me back.

But things are changing now, I know it. Why else would he have come here? He obviously wanted to see me again.

With that thought in mind, my feet pick up their pace as I grab the last bit of cash from my rent jar. I gathered the money from my job at Café Urahara, and when I...didn't really have a home, I saved it all up. I take another look around before I exit my apartment. The sun is just starting to peek over the city skyline, indicating that I'm right on schedule. I take another step and pause to let the ache pass then head towards the stairs.

Someone emerges down the way, one of my neighbors, I presume, though I don't recognize this one. They're currently watching an argument with some of my other neighbors. I hear a camera snap, and see my strange neighbor holding one. I look over the railing in curiosity to see who's causing the ruckus. I roll my eyes as I recognize the blue-haired guy in 607 who owns a shitload of cats and the one tall girl in 308 with long green hair. They're probably arguing about his cats in her doorway again, and I'm sure that everyone watching them just wants them to fuck already so we can get some peace and quiet. The green-haired woman turns her back to the guy, and he looks around at their audience.

"And just what the _fuck_ do you all want!?" Everyone immediately retreats to their respective homes. "Yeah, fuck off, ya bunch of asswipes!" Well, everyone except for my neighbor down the hall and myself.

He has a lit cigarette in his mouth, and he's staring directly at me.

He smokes this early in the morning? Weird...

I'm not sure how long he was looking at me, but the uncomfortable feeling that fills me suggests that it had been long enough. I begin to walk towards the stairs again, trying to will away the pain. But for some reason, I feel like he can see right through my façade. When I walk past him, I smell smoke and my stomach turns, but it also lets out a loud rumble(something it loves to do at the wrong moments). I hear the dude snicker. I stop, but I'm too shy to pick a fight, so I take another step.

"Hey." I slightly turn my head. "Ya want this?" I turn all the way around and look at my addressor. I immediately notice his silver hair, and how it reminds me of another. Unlike me, he's tall, but impossibly skinny, though he still looks like he could hold his own in a fight. His face is young, indicating that he might be in his twenties. It reminds me of a fox. His eyes are narrowed, making it impossible to see what color they are. His grin is large, stretching from ear to ear, and it gives me goose bumps. He's dressed in a robe, suggesting he just woke up. Hanging around his neck is the camera I heard before. In his other, outstretched hand is a power bar with a bite taken out of it. I look at it then back at him. He takes another drag of his cigarette and blows it out the side of his mouth, his eyes never leaving me (but I couldn't tell). I timidly shake my head. "Aw." His grin shrinks into a mocking pout. "Don't trust me?" I don't answer. He smiles again. "Well, a boy yer age can't just be walkin' around hungry like ya are. They need ta be healthy and strong. Ya wouldn't want yer poor mom worryin' about her boy goin' hungry while she's at work, right?" I swallow and shrug a shoulder. "'Cept, ma's not home, is she? Come ta think of it, both of yer folks are gone, yeah?"

I stop breathing.

How does he know? I was so careful...How does he know that I don't...

"They're outta town, am I right?" I lean against the railing for support so I don't fall over. He frowns a bit. "Sorry, I heard Omaeda yellin' at ya last night." I tap my foot, my body telling me it's ready to get away from this creep. He doesn't say anything for a while, but his grin soon returns. "Ya don't say much, huh? Like a little mouse." He just gets weirder and weirder. "Better be off ta school." He holds the power bar to me again. I reach out a shaky hand to take it. "There's a good little mouse." He snickers again when my cheeks flush.

"...T-Thank...Thank you..." I turn away quickly (much to my body's dismay), and make my way down the stairs. Just as I am about to walk out the gate, my neighbor says something else:

"And happy belated birthday, Shuuhei!"

* * *

"So, your neighbor, who you've never met before, just offered you a granola bar?"

"It was a power bar." I quickly remember when my stomach tells me it just used up the last of it.

" _Shuuhei_..."

"Well, yeah. It was really weird. And then he..." I trail off when I realize that I'm about to mention the thing he said about my parents. "He wished me a happy belated birthday."

"That's unnecessarily creepy...You should keep an eye out for him."

"No kidding."

Izuru holds up the paint tray higher so that I can reach it while up on the ladder. He, among the few friends that I keep, was a little more than surprised that I had been in a relatively good mood when I'd arrived at school. Considering the way I'd been acting for the past few months, it should have been no different today. But they didn't know what I had been up to. Who wouldn't be in a good mood after a night like that? Right now, I'm helping paint the flats for the school play. We're putting on a production of 'The Little Mermaid,' for Christ's sake. Renji forced me to audition with him, resulting in him landing one of the leading roles and me not getting a damn thing. But I needed something to do so I wouldn't be bored at home all day. I also auditioned for the band pit today which is why I brought my guitar, but I didn't end up with the spot, so I just volunteered for the concession stand. I find it funny that our play director chose Renji to play Prince Eric, and a girl named Rukia to play Ariel, since they literally had their character's opposite hair.

"So," Izuru started again as I dipped my brush in the paint, "if you don't mind me asking, what happened to you?"

"What do you mean?"

"You're suddenly acting like whatever was bothering you isn't anymore."

I could tell Izuru, couldn't I? Well, not all the details(not with Renji so nearby), but enough to get this off my chest a little.

"Uh, I..." I look around to check if anyone is too close. "I kind of...sort of have a...boyfriend?" Is that what I would call Mr. Muguruma? Well, the fact that I still call him ' _Mr. Muguruma_ ' suggests otherwise, but it had already been said.

" _Really_?" Izuru asks a little too loudly. "I _knew_ —"

His volume almost makes me fall from the ladder. " _Shh_!" I say frantically. I climb down and Izuru puts the paint on the floor.

"Sorry," he whispers. "It's just that I noticed you've been limping all day, but you'd've told me if you'd been in a fight, so I just assumed it was something else." I blush as self-consciousness washes over me like always. Could _everyone_ notice my limp? "So...who is this guy?"

"You don't know him." Shit, I probably _shouldn't_ have said anything.

"So he doesn't go to our school." The blond looks up in thought. "How old is he?"

"Izuru, _why_ are you grilling me?" I ask and rub my arm. "Why can't you just leave it alone?"

"Because you were basically telling me all of it already!" I shush him again, even though he wasn't loud at all. "Now I've gathered that he doesn't go to—or just isn't _in_ —high school. So how old is he?"

"...34."

"He's _34_!?"

Oh my _God_. I can't tell Izuru _anything_.

I clamp my hand over his mouth and press it firmly. "Izuru, _shut up_."

"Shuuhei, you're fucking a _34-year-old man_? Does he have a family? Does he even know how old _you_ are?"

I press my palms into my eyes and shake my head, wishing this moment would just erase itself. "Uh...yes, no (if I tell Izuru the man has a family, he'd burn me alive), and yes. But it's _okay_. I-I trust him." I know how bad it sounds, but Mr. Muguruma hadn't done anything to me that I didn't like, so it was fine, right?

His eyebrows turn up, and I know I'm about to get the lecture of a lifetime. "Shuuhei...tell me you aren't serious."

"Y-Yes?"

"Dude...You know how dangerous that can be right? How long have you guys...?"

Oh God.

Curse Izuru. The guy is practically a walking lie-detector test, so there was no use saying anything but the truth. But I couldn't just tell him _that_.

"It doesn't matter..."

"Shuuhei...how'd you even meet this guy?"

"Um...through a friend."

"One of your older friends?" Not this again. "I really think they are bad influences on you."

" _No_. It wasn't one of them. I don't do _everything_ they do, y'know. I'm feeling a little insulted, Izuru."

"I'm sorry. I just worry about you. You just show up in an extremely better mood, then lay it on me that you're sleeping with someone _twice_ your age...You can't blame me for being concerned."

I sigh. "I guess not...But," I place a hand on his shoulder, "could you just _trust_ me? You have to know that if something goes wrong, I'll get help. You _know_ that." He nods.

"Okay, man. Just...know what you're doing."

We finish the flat, and I continue to think about what Izuru said. He told me to know what I was doing, but I wasn't entirely sure that I did. I hadn't gotten Mr. Muguruma to speak a word to me since that night on his couch. Not even when he showed up at my place. I guessed that, if I wanted to keep him, I'd have to learn how to do so. I wanted him to want me, to _love_ me, and I wanted to make him say it.

I'd have to learn how to do that too.

* * *

The next day after school, I'm almost late for work at Café Urahara.

When I walk through the door, I'm still pulling my tan apron over my black button-down shirt. I slip on my tan visor and swiftly punch in my time card. I was able to rush to work today because the aching waves in my lower-back and ass had subsided to a dull throb by the time P.E. had rolled around, finally enabling me to walk properly(sort of).

"Sorry, Yamada." I mumble with a pout.

"It's okay, Shuuhei. Anything for a friend." He passes me an order and I memorize it before heading back into the kitchen.

"Late again, Hisagi?" I wince as I hear another co-worker's warning tone. "I've covered for you for longer than I can remember. Which we both know isn't very long. When are you gonna start picking up your slack?"

"I'm really sorry, Ganju. I got here as quick as I could. I have a job in the school play now." I give him the order before removing some dirty mugs from a tray.

"Oh yeah? What're you gonna be? The fairy-princess or something?" As he begins to laugh, I shoot him a glare, and he quickly quiets down. "Just try to be on time. Don't keep throwing excuses around or you'll get yourself fired." I nod at him, and the day begins it's normal routine.

I started working at this place after I came here with Ichigo. He wanted to stop and grab some coffee before we fucked, and I grabbed one of the applications from the 'Help Wanted' box. One of my neighbors let me use his address and write him as a parental figure, thank God. After my application checked out, I had an interview with the owner, Kisuke Urahara. It was the _oddest_ conversation I'd ever had and I thought I'd disappointed him with my boring and shy answers, but he gave me the job after stating that ' _We need a little normal around here_.' I hated to lie to him, but I was the furthest thing from normal. But, I guess when he said 'normal,' he meant someone who's not a slight nut-job. Hanatarou's a sweet guy, but only because he spends so much of his time high. He eats pot brownies on account of his illness, and sells what weed he doesn't use. When he's not high, he becomes very clumsy, a trait that doesn't really mesh well with working at a coffee shop, so he takes orders and mans the register. And Ganju is...Ganju. There's not much I need to say about him. Other than the fact that he's got one of the shortest fuses I know of. He also has a terrible memory, due to an accident he'd had while his older brother was driving. I don't ever ask him about it, but I know his brother lost his life, and that Ganju feels inferior because of his disability. He works in the back with the dishes, somewhere he won't have to remember stuff or get frustrated with any customers. The two of them live in a flat together, and I personally think something's going on between them, but no one really knows.

And me? Well, I'm a busboy. I clear tables for incoming customer's, load the dirty dishes to the back, and bring sitting customers what they ordered. On occasion, I take out the trash for Ganju(on account of him covering my shift all the time), but I try to get out of that job as often as I can. As for my sob story? I guess the closest I could get was that my parents kind of abandoned me, but that didn't really matter to me anymore. I was falsifying information on all my legal documents to survive, and I was doing a damn good job at it. I guess I'm not living in the safest of areas. I don't really get into fights anymore.

Oh, and I'm fucking my best friend's dad.

Does that count as a sob story? Probably not.

The day rolls by, and I am starting to get tired. I've served the regular group of girls who giggle every time I look at them, the late-lunch hour, and I've had my break. I'm seriously thinking about skipping out early, but I stop when Kisuke strolls in. He rarely comes to the shop other than to give us our paychecks every week, so I'm curious as to why he's here on a Thursday afternoon. He holds the door open and in walks the last(but only at the same time) person I want to see. Mr. Muguruma slides his sunglasses off and inspects the place, causing me to drop the empty tray in my hands and turn around to pick it up. I don't know why I'm hiding from him, but I do know that I can't recall ever feeling this terrified in my life. I skulk my way to the back, quickly fixing my appearance in the empty tray, then quietly ease to the door leading to the registers.

"So glad you could join me today, Kensei! We haven't spoken in quite some time, my friend." I hear Kisuke's overly-enthusiastic voice.

"Renji has play practice, so I had some free time. It's good to see you." I can hear the smile in his smooth, deep voice, and it makes my heart flutter. I still fidget with my hair and hat as the two begin to order. "Black. Decaf, please." I should've known. Only a man like that would order something so strong.

I hide in the kitchen, trying to avoid him seeing me like this, but I only end up avoiding my job.

"Shuuhei?" Shit. "Could you take this order to Kisuke's table?" I could punch you right now, Han.

"Okay," I answer calmly. I take the drinks from Hanatarou and make my way over, trying to carefully deliver them, but my hands won't stop shaking. I spill a little on the tray, something I never do, and panic starts to set in a little. I see Kisuke smile at me, then I watch his head of angelic silver hair slowly turn around. I try to focus on the piercing in his eyebrow, or in his ear, anywhere other than his whole face, but my eyes betray me as they take it all in. He's surprised, to say the least, the breath caught in his throat and his fist clenched on the table. I shut my eyes as heat rushes into my cheeks, but they don't stay that way for long when Kisuke calls my name.

"Thank you, Shuuhei," he says, reminding me to put his drink down in front of him. I reach for the other one, but my hand moves too fast, and I end up knocking the scalding liquid right into Kensei's lap.

 _Crap_.

He curses and I panic. "S-Sorry!" I practically shout and immediately drop to my knees, proceeding to blot his black slacks with the towel from my shoulder. I fight the urge to look up at him, but I forgot that this never really works, so I just furiously rub at the area around his crotch. I unconsciously place my hand on his thigh and he shifts in his seat, prompting me to look up at him. His mouth is fixed in a tight line, and his nostrils are flared. There's a sort of fire in his eyes, but he's not angry. I've seen him when he's angry. The night he dropped me off. And this is not that kind of fire. I'm afraid I'd hurt him with the coffee, and my eyes start to water as I try to clean him. I've screwed up, and something deep in me tells me this ruined any chance I had with him. I think Kisuke notices my rising anxiety, because he places a hand on my shoulder.

"Shuuhei, it's okay. It's okay. Just show Kensei to the bathroom." He kind of laughs through his statement. I just nod once and stand, not looking behind me, and discreetly wipe my eyes. When I hear him stand behind me, I start walking, all the while thinking:

Why the fuck was I about to break down?

Was it because I'd never screwed up at work before?

Was it because I'd screwed up in front of my boss?

Was it because I always feel like I'm walking on fucking ice whenever I'm near him? Even now, my feet feel like they already have frost bite.

For as long as I can remember knowing Mr. Muguruma, I'd always been afraid to be myself with him, like I might offend him or drive him away. And now that I'm involved with him the way that I am, I feel like if I show the slightest bit of my real self, he'll hit the road. He decided to fuck me the way I was, or the way he _thought_ I was, so what if I changed? Would he still want me then?

"Um," I take a few seconds to swallow the thick lump in my throat and calm down. "Y-You can wash up here." I gesture to the sink in the one-person restroom. "There should be soap in here somewhere." I unlock the mirror/cabinet with my key and rummage through it for the strong stuff. "This stuff can, um, damage your clothes, so, uh, you shouldn't use too much." I listen to myself speak, and I sound like a fucking mouse. I wish I could be more like how I was the first night we spent together, but the only reason I had acted that way was because I didn't think it would work in the first place.

But it _did_.

I hear the soft 'clink' of his pants, and I wonder if he's going to just clean them while I'm in here. When I close the mirror, I immediately spot him behind me. I gulp and let my eyes trail down in the mirror. His eyes are heavy lidded and on me, but his hands are working on unbuckling his pants. When they fall open, part of his shirt falls over his crotch, but I can still see what's awakening underneath.

"Oh." I breathe. He raises an eyebrow. I hadn't had the chance to get a good look at him, but ' _oh_ ' was the perfect response. He's wearing a light blue dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up to just below his elbows, along with slim black slacks and shiny black dress shoes.

As he walks towards me, I back up to the sink, trying to steady myself and cool my palms on the cold porcelain. I swallow thickly as sweat starts to bead on my forehead and his intense stare never falters. His brown eyes slowly rake up and down my body as he gets closer, like he's deciding on what to do with it. But he fucking _knows_. And I wish he'd get on with it. They eventually land back on my own, sending my blood into overdrive. My heart pumps faster from being so close to his body, and I feel the heat from his broad chest flow into my own. His hand suddenly grips my ass and he presses me tightly to him. I can feel his cock pulse angrily against mine through my pants and I cover my mouth with my hand before a quiet moan escapes. He wants to hear it, so he uses his other hand to pull my member out as well as his, rubbing them against each other. When I gasp loudly, his mouth grows into a slight smirk, and I assume that was the end of it; that maybe he'd just leave me hard again, but he goes on, thrusting into my crotch for what felt like eternity. I soon place my clammy hand over his, stroking us along with him. It's fucking unreal how good it feels, and as soon as that eternity is almost up, he slips his hand into my pants and pinches my ass harshly. I hang my head, embarrassment clouding my face along with concentration on not coming on the spot.

My eyes, however, are drawn to his exposed cock. His thick, veiny length roughly slides against my smaller, rapidly swelling one, bringing more and more life into both with every thrust. I try to moan quietly, but he hears it. He grips my face painfully and shoves one wet finger into me smoothly. My eyes roll back at the sensation, and all I see is the world start to spin around me as he adds another finger, then another, and soon all three are twisting and thrusting and scissoring inside of me. They move slowly, curling every once in a while and causing shivers to shuffle down my spine. His movements are almost cautious, soft, as if he doesn't want to hurt me. I let out a few curses through my obstructed lips, but that makes him almost stop completely, so(learning from our past encounter), I try to stifle my noises. A few seconds later, I unexpectedly spew all over our members and hands, covering them in my sticky mess. I let out a string of frantic breaths and curses until I feel my knees go weak. I go a little limp in his arms and he lets go of my mouth before letting me sit gently on the floor. I have trouble keeping myself conscious, but I'm aware when he heads towards the door.

"Wait..." I breathe heavily. "Hang on." I catch my breath and shake my head of the fog then look at him. He's got one hand on the door handle, so I'd better make my statement convincing. "You...y-you didn't come?" Of all the fucking words I could've put together...He slowly shakes his head, and I stand slowly so I won't hurt myself. "Did...did you...want to?" I rub my arm and look at the ground before locking eyes with him. He smirks and I blush hard. He knows how badly I want it. Without warning, he's got me pressed against the sink in seconds, his hands hooking around my waist and yanking the back of my pants down. He gently runs his fingers through the hair at the base of my neck before gripping it roughly. He spins me around and pulls my head back by my hair.

"Oh _fuck_ ," I quietly let out in an aroused gasp.

I think this turns him on a little, because without warning he sheathes himself inside me with one quick thrust. I feel nothing at first, the numbness following my recent orgasm not allowing me to even get hard again. But _fuck_ , I still feel it. I'm still sore, but the sensation of being taken by him again over powers it. He stays very still, waiting for the okay I assume, so I grind my hips back onto him, only for him to release my hair to hold them still and start wildly driving into me. My bottom lip is close to tearing from holding back all the sounds I want to make, but I soon release it when I see our reflection in the mirror in front of me. It makes me desperately wish I had held out a little longer, or maybe just had better stamina, so I would've been able to come again. I brace my hand on it as I watch our bodies meld on the other side of that mirror, and it just makes it that much sweeter. He watches as his cock slides in and out of me, and I just watch his gorgeous fucking face, twisted in concentration to get off as soon as possible. He keeps the pace hurried, and he snaps his hips forward roughly with each thrust. All I hear are his soft grunts and my weak attempts to be quiet. I try not to sound so pathetic, but the steadily crescendoing mewls coming out of my mouth make that impossible. He roughly grabs my hair again and yanks my body up to hold close to him.

"Say it," he breathes into my ear. At first I'm confused at his request, but when he moans in my ear, it reminds me of that first night we spent together, and I soon know exactly what he wants. "Fucking say it. Ngh. Shit...say it now...Ah, fuck."

"That... _mmm_...that feels s-so good, _Daddy_." I mewl pathetically. He groans loudly and I watch his jaw clench in the mirror.

"Fuck...yes...Now beg for it."

"Harder. _P-Please_ , Daddy...fuck me _harder_."

I close my eyes when the space between us tightly closes. When I open them, I look to the mirror, and I meet his dark eyes as he thrusts slowly to his orgasm. He stares back at me, and I think I see something brewing in his eyes. Or he's about to come, I'm not really sure. His eyes roll back, and I hear him sigh in that deep, grainy voice of his, the feeling of his heated breath ghosting over my neck filling me with fucking electricity. He backs away, and I'm left breathless. I want to kiss him. I want _him_ to kiss _me_. Before I can voice it, he does. His tongue quickly takes control in the sloppy clash because I don't really move mine. He's wild in his movements, and I barely have time to kiss him back before he bites my lip roughly and pulls away, a string of saliva breaking with his growing distance. Eventually, I'm left standing in the quiet bathroom by myself, semen dripping down my inner thighs, and blood slowly pooling in my mouth, and I just feel... _wrong_...for some reason. I feel disgusting...

But somehow, I've also never felt more _alive_. Never felt more _wanted_.

And I just _have_ to find a way to keep him wanting more.

* * *

The train ride home isn't pleasant _at all_.

Mostly because I have to stand with the uncomfortable feeling of cum threatening to stain my pants.

Also because this creepy old man keeps rubbing his crotch and grinning at me. But that's an everyday norm.

No, the problem I had brought upon myself was due to my impatience.

I wanted to get home as quick as possible, so instead of just cleaning myself up at work, I grabbed my school bag and bolted out of the café without so much as an explanation for Ganju. So now I'm forced to move as little as possible as people shuffle and shove through the subway car. My eyes catch a patch of silver hair behind the person next to me and my heart skips a beat before I crane my neck to see who that hair belongs to. But when I spot the yawning face of my extremely creepy neighbor (of course Mr. Muguruma would _never_ take the train), I try to hide behind the crowd of people, hoping that he won't see me and harass me in public. Though I get a little curious as to why he's taking the train. Well, he probably just goes to work like a normal adult, but I know _he_ isn't normal, so I want to know what he does during the day. When the person between us gets off the train, I get the urge duck my head and exit the car. Luckily, he's staring down at his phone and his earphones are in, so I'm able to get a good look at him. He is dressed in a plain white t-shirt and tight-fitting blue jeans. A simple outfit, oddly making him look like a regular guy. Of course _I_ know better. A black leather book bag is slung across his body and I examine a large patch on the front of it. I didn't catch the first word, but I'd spotted 'University.' So he's a college student. Or a college graduate? I don't know why I really care. He seemed to know too much about me, and I was going to try my damnedest to avoid him from now on. But that doesn't stop me from listening to him occasionally chuckle, making me wonder who he's texting.

"...please exit the car now." I hear the automated voice announce a stop, but I missed it while gazing at my strange neighbor. I look up and see that it's my(our) stop, so I carefully step off the train behind him. Something drops out of his schoolbag, he doesn't hear it, and I reluctantly pick it up.

I couldn't just leave it there, could I?

I make sure to stay a safe distance behind him so that I won't have to interact with him until we're about to enter our respective homes. But instead of making a right from the train station(the direction of our complex), he makes a left, and I watch him cross the street to the supermarket. Great...Now I'll have to wait to give him his book. Speaking of which, I curiously open the covered textbook to see what he was going to school for.

The inside reads:

 _Principles of Anatomy & Physiology._

 _Property of Gin Ichimaru._

 _If found, please return as soon as possible._

Further in were scribbled notes and small, sketched diagrams of bodies, all with arrows and words surrounding them.

So, my neighbor, Gin Ichimaru, was impossibly smart. And he wanted to be a doctor?

Great, another similarity he has to Mr. Muguruma.

When I get there, I carefully go up the stairs and leave his book by his door before unlocking my own apartment. I zip to the bathroom and turn on the shower before grabbing some fresh clothes from my room. After my shower, I rummage through my fridge and find nothing, so I slouch on my sofa in defeat. As soon as my stomach growls again, I hear a knock at my door. When I answer it, no ones there, but there is a box at my feet.

It's a box of power bars. The same power bar I had this morning. A note is attached to it:

 _For my growing friend._

 _Tell me if you prefer anything else._

 _-Your Neighbor_

I sigh angrily and take the box down the hall. I knock hard on the door and wait with the box at my feet. When no one responds I knock hard again.

"It's open!" I hear from inside.

I push it open, and the scent of cigarettes and something strong I don't recognize wafts out. I wrinkle my nose before picking up the box and stepping inside. No one is in the front room identical to my own, but I see a light coming from down the hallway. I place the box of bars on the table and walk until I hear music. I reach the room with the light and push the door open. On the floor, I see a man with slicked brown hair pressing his lips to a long tube, inhaling and blowing smoke into the mouth of a naked woman straddling his lap. At least I know what the stronger smell is. The woman looks at me, making me look away embarrassed. A snapping sound catches my attention, and I look to see my neighbor sitting cross-legged on the floor, a camera in his hands and a cigarette in his mouth.

"Looks really good guys. Let's take a break." He says when he looks at me. The woman rises, and I look away again and blush as she puts on a robe. The brown-haired man just rests his head back on the bed. "And what can I do for _you_?" I frown at his tone, and he flashes a quick picture of me. I flinch and rub my eyes. " _Wow_." He says as he inspects his most recent photo. "If ya don't mind my sayin'," he looks up at me then back down to the camera, "yer a _pretty_ little mouse."

I blush then shake my head. "Don't call me that. And I don't need your handouts." I say strongly for once.

A small grin grows on his face. "That wasn't a handout," he says smoothly. "Ya brought this back," he pulls his book out from behind him, "so I'm givin' ya somethin' in return." I scowl. "C'mon. Yer mom must've taught ya ta take a gift, right?"

I narrow my eyes in a glare at him. "Just...leave me alone, okay?" I say and stomp out of the room.

I hear him scramble off the floor. "Wait!" He slides in front of me before I reach the door. "Hang on a minute, little mouse." I roll my eyes and fume. "Sorry." He grins sheepishly. "Look, I don't know if yer lookin' for work or anythin', but ya look _real_ nice in photographs. I don't know if you'd be interested, but I'd love it if ya modeled for me. Just for fun, or I can pay ya for it."

My instincts kick in and make my stomach turn. Not at him, but at his suggestion. I don't think the kind of photography he has in mind is appropriate for someone my age, but who am _I_ to say what's appropriate? I'm fucking a man _twice_ my age for Christ's sake. Not the most appropriate activity for my age group. Still...

"I have a job."

He swerves in front of me again as I try to leave. "Now hold on. A little extra cash wouldn't hurt, hm?"

" _No thanks_." I walk around him and back to my apartment. He continues to follow me.

"Look, I'm sorry if I'm making ya uncomfortable. I just wanna be friends, that's all. It would just be nice to finally know one of my neighbors."

"Sure." I unlock my door.

"So, little mouse, can I call ya my friend?"

"After you stop calling me that."

"But—" He shuts up when I shoot another glare at him. "I'll work on that."

Without another word, I step into my place and shut the door. I lean against it and take a deep breath, my stomach growling shortly after. I head to my cabinets to look around, but I find nothing, as I usually do. The doorbell rings and I rush to answer it.

"Look—" I start, ready to tell off my neighbor, but no one's there.

Only the box of power bars I'd rejected earlier.

Reluctantly, I groan and take the box inside, immediately opening one up and satisfying my howling stomach.

* * *

 **Soooooo?**

 **What do you guys think so far? What's going through your minds? Where do you think the story is going to go?**

 **Let me know!**

 ** _~EMAE_**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:** **Ah, yes, my username has been changed. 'Pot sticker' is a nickname my mother used to call me when I was little, she raised me so well, so it's dedicated to her. And that also means I'll be going by Po for a while. :) And also for the new year, so Happy New Year everyone!**

 **A lot of you seem to be very intrigued by Gin. You _should_ be, that's all I'm gonna say about it. Mwahaha, I'm so deliciously evil.**

 **And because of a discussion with one of you, you'll be treated to Kensei's backstory! (as well as a double POV chapter) It was concluded that this would better justify future events, so thank one of your fellow fans. :)**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

 ** _~Kensei's POV~_**

 ** _(18 years)_**

 _I'd only fallen for one girl in my entire pathetic existence, and Lisa_ _Yadōmaru_ _was the last one you'd want to fall for._

 _She was this extremely intelligent, extremely quiet, goddess that everyone wanted a piece of. She wouldn't give you the time of day even if she wanted to. She had this goal to be the coldest bitch anyone had ever known, and she definitely succeeded; only for a short while, though. One person got to her, and that was me, apparently._

 _I'd gotten transferred after fighting at my last school, and I had to finish somewhere, so my parents sent me to the Visored Academy. It was known as 'the prison school,' supposed to retrain deviant adolescents into being proper members of society again. My first day there, and she was the first person I met, in my last class. I stood by the door as the teacher threw her a question. She answered quickly, in a calm, quiet voice that sent tingles through me, then sat back down. The teacher directed me to the empty seat next to her, two from the isle, and I started the walk up the stairs to the seventh row of seats. Our eyes were locked from the time I took my first step, and they didn't break until I had to walk behind her to get to the seat on her left. I sat down, and I could feel her turquoise eyes boring into my temple. When I turned to face her, I expected her to look away quickly, like everyone else who was afraid of me, but she didn't. Now, I was a mean mother fucker, but I was shy, so I didn't say anything because usually, my look would do the trick. But she wouldn't take her eyes off of me. I just returned to my work and tried to ignore her, but she just_ stared _at me, and I had to remind myself that I couldn't fight a girl. Once class was over, I quickly packed my things to get away from her, but something stopped me._

 _"Do you masturbate?"_

 _What the fuck?_

 _"S'cuse me?" I sputtered._

 _"You look like you do," I noticed her eyes were fixed on mine, as if we were having a normal conversation, "someone your size should."_

 _I noticed a few students were hanging around, watching us, her._

 _"Don't waste your time, new guy, Lisa's as frigid as they come," one guy yelled as he exited the room._

 _Her tongue peeked out a bit, but she pulled it back quickly. "Is it big?"_

 _"Is what_ − _"_

"You know what."

 _I sneered. This was the weirdest situation I'd ever been in, and this girl definitely meant business. What was even crazier was that no one could hear this conversation. "Wouldn't you like to know? Weird bitch..." I turned to walk away as I mumbled the last part, but she spoke again._

 _"I would."_

 _I turn back around, truly astonished at the boldness in this girl that, only an hour ago, I'd thought was so quiet. Her face was quite serious, and I took a moment to inspect her this time. Her skin was pale, and her skirt had been the shortest I'd seen on any girl all day. There was not much to be flattered by the blouse she had on, but that skirt gave me a good look at her long, soft-looking legs. Her appearance was mostly that of an innocent girl, so I was intrigued as to how she'd ended up in a place like this._

 _She seemed_ anything _but_ frigid _._

 _"I'd like to see. If you're up to it, meet me in the locker room after the girls soccer practice." Without waiting for my answer, she grabbed her books and walked away._

 _I waited until after the girls left the school's one locker room, the whole time wondering what the hell I was doing here, wondering if I should just go home for the day and forget this whole thing happened, wondering what my seventeen-year-old ass was gonna get handed to me if I walked in there. I was curious, and it was my weakness._

 _I walked in. "Hey..." I'd already forgotten her name, which proved how absolutely_ fucked _this was. "You in here?"_

 _"So, you showed up." I heard her voice echo from somewhere in the locker room, so I started walking, searching._

 _"Yeah. I did." I saw a bag on a bench in the distance and walked over to it. I saw cleats on the floor beneath it, and in it was a soccer uniform and...a school uniform. I looked to the adjacent shower stall, and realized I hadn't noticed it was running. I pieced everything together in my head, and my nervous gulp echoed around the room and came back to me._

 _The shower curtain slid back a bit, and I saw her face, wet and stuck with hair. Her eyes scanned my frame again. "If you're coming in, I suggest you take off your clothes."_

 _I never undressed so fast in my life._

 _I was no spring chicken when it came to experience, so you'd better believe that when I stepped into that shower stall, a whole other side of me was unleashed. She'd turned around and placed her hands on the wall in anticipation, but I'd turned her around and pushed her back to the cool tile. Her eyes shot to me with curiosity, but they rolled closed as soon as I dropped to my knees and shoved my face between her legs._

 _It went like that for a while. We'd fuck in the locker room, in my room, and she'd even give me hand jobs under the desk in seventh sometimes. I am surprised at the fact that we were never caught. Not. Even. Once. Just my luck, huh? After a while, she'd gotten comfortable enough to tell me the reason her parents had sent her here. An addiction to sex. I'd gathered that, but I didn't really understand why that would need an enrollment to a high school like this._

 _She put her arms around my large bicep, pushing her breasts against it. "They just...don't understand. Not like you." It was the first time I'd seen her facial expression change during a time I wasn't inside her. I didn't like seeing her face that way._

 _"Hey," she looked up at me, eyes slightly watering. "be my girlfriend." A year after we began sleeping together, I finally asked her, and it was the first time I'd seen her smile._

* * *

 _ **(17 years)**_

 _The next year was spent trying to be Lisa's perfect man. I wanted nothing more than to see her smile again, all the time, if I could help it. It was damn hard, but I could occasionally get her to crack. I'd gotten a big ass tattoo on my chest for her. '69,' her favorite position with me. When people asked about it, I had to make up some bullshit about it being how many years my grandparents had been married, that it was my marriage goal, when, in reality, I didn't even get to know the fuckers before they checked out. I rebelled against my parents, something I'd deeply regretted in the past, and swore never to do again; something that got me sent here in the first place. But she put me in a tailspin, flipped around my thoughts, my reasoning, my beliefs. She made me someone I didn't recognize, someone who didn't like the old me. I only wanted to be her someone, her perfect someone._

 _I was devoted to Lisa._

 _I'd do anything for her,_ to _her, anything she wanted._

 _I used money my parents gave me to get my tattoo removed to take her to Amsterdam to see a live sex show. She tried to convince me to audition with her, but she respected my shy nature. And she knew I only wanted to be hers; she knew, so she let it alone. But when we got back home, I could tell she still thought about it. My parents, who didn't like Lisa from the start, were furious and refused to support me the minute I graduated high school. I still loved them, and they me, but I'd lost their trust. That was okay though. I had Lisa. Her trust was all the trust I needed. As long as she breathed, I breathed with her._

 _"Why me?" She randomly asked one day as we were coming down from an intense round._

 _"You were so unapologetic about who you were. I wanted that for myself, and you were the next best thing." I kissed her forehead._

 _"Really?" I grunted in response. "I chose you because something told me you had what I was looking for." She grabbed my dick, startling me, but I laughed, and we began again._

 _I found out that I was accepted to my dream school, and Lisa had told me for the first time that she didn't want to go to school. She said she wanted to travel the world, and I almost rejected my acceptance letter to go with her, but she stopped me and told me she wasn't going anywhere as long as I wasn't. My parents were so ecstatic about my success that they agreed to pay half of my tuition, but I'd have to work to come up with the other half. I was fine with that._

 _As long as Lisa wasn't leaving me, I couldn't give a fuck._

* * *

 ** _(15 years)_**

 _Two years into college, and I received a call. From someone I never thought I'd see again._

 _My childhood friend, who'd I'd spent all my time with, if I wasn't with Lisa, had passed. She'd left behind a little boy, who was almost one._

 _And she left him to me._

 _"So, she just dumped him on you then?" Lisa asked seriously and raised an eyebrow at the child playing on the floor. "I didn't even know they came in that color." She pointed to the nest of bright crimson hair on him._

 _"Shut up," I said. "She didn't_ 'dump him on me,' _as you put it. I offered to take him."_

 _"What about college? There's no way your parents will take care of him. You should've used that tattoo removal money for an_ actual tattoo removal. _Then they wouldn't have cut you off."_

 _"You would've killed me if I'd gotten rid of it, though."_

 _"Very true. No wonder they hate me, I've got such an influence over you." She gripped my crotch and I smacked her hand away. "Still though, no one told you to take the little brat."_

 _"She was my best friend for fuck's sake," I snapped at her. Her face didn't change much, it hardly ever did, but I saw an apology in those turquoise eyes._

 _Lisa had never been the nurturing kind._

 _She was more of the 'take what I want and live with no attachments' kind. A kid was the last thing she wanted. It would just mess her plans up._

 _But I couldn't just leave him alone._

 _"You don't have a plan."_

 _"I'll figure it out."_

 _"Well, we better get started." I rolled my eyes, but froze when I heard her say 'we.' So she was together in this with me. I don't know why I was surprised though; she said she'd never leave me. I looked back at the kid. I_ definitely _wasn't abandoning him._ _"What's his name?"_

 _"Renji."_

 _When he heard his name, he slowly stood then started to wobble towards us. He leaned on my knees, then spoke:_ _"Momma." She snickered next to me._

"Kensei," _I corrected him._

 _He looked at her. "Momma."_

 _"Sure, why not, kid?"_

 _"Uh-uh._ Lisa _." I pointed at her._

 _"Oh, c'mon. He can call me mommy if he wants to."_

 _"Nah, he's gotta know who his real mom was. I'm not gonna have him call me 'daddy.'"_

 _"Why not? I do."_

 _"Ugh," I groaned in embarrassment as heat flooded my cheeks. "Pervert."_ _I picked him up and held him in the air above me. "Say_ 'Kensei.' _"_

 _"Momma," he reached for me and started to whimper. I just sighed._

 _"We'll work on it," Lisa said and kissed me._

* * *

 ** _(13 years)_**

 _"Ah...you think_ −fuuuck− _you think we should? He might still be...mmm...awake."_

 _"He's two. If he is, he doesn't know what's going on. Don't worry about it, Daddy."_

 _"Ooohh, God...Lisa...Lisa, I'm worried about it."_

 _She crawls up to meet me at eye level. "Why did you have me bring him up here then?!"_

 _"Because I wanted to see the both of you!" I snapped back in a whisper. She huffed in annoyance._

 _"Well you'd better be on your hands and knees the next time you beg for it." She turned away from me, but I still felt her laugh with me when we heard:_

 _"Momma, I'm hungry."_

* * *

 ** _(10 years)_**

 _"What do you mean you're going back to school?!"_

 _I was surprised at her reaction when I told her. Two years after settling into an apartment, and starting Renji off in Kindergarten, I decided that I wanted to become a doctor, so that things like what happened to Renji doesn't happen as frequently._

 _I didn't want to see anymore orphaned kids._

 _But she'd yelled her response, and it drove Renji fearfully to my arms._

 _"Li...I just thought−"_

 _"_ What _, Kensei? You thought_ what?"

 _"I thought..." I was so confused, and frankly scared, too. There was a fire in her eyes that I'd never seen before, and I couldn't tell if this was even her or not. "I thought you'd be happy for me."_

 _She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose, turning away from Renji and I. "Ken..you know I am, but_ _−"_

 _"Then will you marry me?" She whirled around, her eyes wide as saucers._

 _She glanced down at little Renji, who had the biggest grin on his face because he'd remembered his queue to present her with the black, velvet box he'd decorated at school. It was so ugly, like_ really _fucking ugly, but he'd put his heart into remembering to bring it home when he was done. I looked away from my grinning son and back to the woman who was going to be my wife._

 _Or so I thought._

 _Lisa let out the biggest wail, louder than any sound I'd ever made her make, and fell to her knees. I grinned and sat Renji down, taking the box with me when I went to kneel in front of her._

 _"Lisa, baby, it's okay! Haha, that's a yes, I take it?"_ _She shook her head, and I felt as if an asteroid had crashed into my chest, taking my heart with it. "Wait...what?"_

 _"I...I_ can't _, Kensei."_

 _"I don't..." I sat back on my heels and scratched my head. I must have head that wrong._

 _"I can't do it again, Kensei. Not four more years..."_

 _I stood, moving closer to her. "What do you mean?"_

 _"Four years of not seeing you everyday, not_ touching _you everyday...don't pretend like you don't know how hard that was for me._ Me _, of all people!" She was shouting, and I looked back to make sure Renji wasn't too startled. He looked worried, but he was managing._

 _"Lisa..."_

 _"And four years of taking care of him by myself!" She pointed at Renji. "God, I love that boy to death, you know I do, but I can't do it. Not again. Not without you." She balled my shirt in her fists._

 _I gently took her wrists. "Lisa, this is something I have my heart set on. We'll figure it out, I promise. I'm doing this for all of us..."_

 _"Yeah? Seems like you're doing whatever makes_ you _happy."_

 _What?_

 _"I..."_

 _"How could you ask me to do that again? How could you ask me to live like that? How could you ask me to marry you? You know I don't believe in that. You're just...just... so SELFISH!"_

 _The silence following her outburst was deafening, like poison sneaking into my ears and burning through my veins. I didn't move after that; I don't know how long I was just standing there. Apparently it was long enough for her to pack most of her belongings. She kissed me, but I don't remember what it felt like, and headed to the door._

 _"Lisa!" Renji called and ran after her. He reached his arms up and started jumping. "Are you going on a trip?"_

 _Lisa covered her mouth before a sob escaped then picked Renji up. "I'm gonna miss you, pot sticker." Renji leaned closer to her, she touched her nose to his, and he giggled as he gave her an Eskimo kiss._

 _Then she was just_ gone _._

* * *

 ** _(6 months)_**

 _It's so hot today._

 _Isn't winter supposed to be coming up soon?_

 _Damn global warming._

 _I watched as Renji took his bat by his side, and readied himself to swing it as hard as possible._

 _"DESTROY THEM, RENJI!" I shouted at the top of my lungs. I knew the other parents were staring at me, but I didn't care. I believed in him._

 _Sure enough, he hit it far and high, out of the radius of most of the outfielders, and was able to bring in two runners._

 _"THAT'S MY BOY! WOO!" I grinned widely, feeling how any triumphant dad would._

 _I looked over and see Rose making his way up into the stands, everyone watching him as he does. That's one thing I'll always envy about Rose. When he goes anywhere public, people stare at him as if he's an angel sent from heaven. Crowds will part like the Red Sea to watch him pass, and I'm usually tailing behind him, walking in the long shadow he casts. Sure I get looks too, but none like that. People look at me like I'm a piece of meat, which wouldn't bother me if I had the minuscule emotional capacity I used to. But I don't, so it hurts to know that my best friend is who everyone wants to love, and I'm who everyone wants to fuck. It's been like that since I met him in med school, and I still somehow haven't been able to get over it._

 _"Hi, Kensei," Rose said excitedly and sat next to me._

 _The group of moms behind him had a hard time turning their attention back to their children's game._ What they came here for.

 _"You couldn't have just thrown on some cargoes and a t-shirt?" I gestured to his black Clark's and skinny-fit suit, the jacket of which he had folded on his lap, revealing his crisp, white dress shirt. "It's fucking blazing out here."_

 _"I'm sorry." What made it worse is that he genuinely was. "I had to come straight here after work or I would have missed the game entirely."_

 _"It's called having a spare change in the trunk, buddy."_

 _"Oh, that's actually a good idea. Sorry about that." He chuckled and scratched the back of his head._

 _Oh, God, Rose just fucking get married already and stop torturing me with the cuteness._

 _I caught a glimpse of Renji sliding home before he was tagged, so I stood and cheered. Rose stood and clapped, throwing a thumbs up when he grinned our way. After he went into the dugout, another kid took the batting plate, his head covered in wild orange hair._

Here we go _ _, I thought.__

 _"Go, go, Ichigo, Ichigo, go, go!"_

 _I glanced over at the chanting Kurosaki's, the whole group standing up and waving small black flags._

 _As I watched the family cheered for their eldest boy, I wondered if they knew that he was the junior class' cum dumpster._

 _Don't get me wrong, I was not judging; the kid is one of Renji's close friends, so I heard a lot about what happened with him at school._

 _I even heard he slept with Renji's best friend. The shy one. What was his name?...Shuuhei? Yeah, him. I remember that the kid was impossibly shy, and the first time I'd met him was when he was brought to the hospital I worked at. He'd been horribly injured by some animal, and he was lucky that I was able to save his eye. I called to him and he turned around, searching for the voice. When our eyes met, I waved at him. His mouth tightened into a fine line at first, then he waved back with a small smile. I'd thought that he didn't like me because whenever I would speak to him, he wouldn't look at me, or he'd mumble. I ignored it though; I was lucky that Renji had someone that made him as happy as he did._

 _I heard cheering, and I glanced over at the Kurosaki's again. Their kid had hit a home run. They hugged and laughed and began that stupid fucking chant again, and I just had to get out of there._ _Rose followed me, and I explained in a panic that I just couldn't look at what I couldn't give Renji anymore. A family. I wanted a family, to give him one,_ so bad _...and I'd fucked it up. Probably for a while. Rose calmed me down, validated my disturbed feelings about...Lisa...he'd also told me he'd try and set me up on a few dates, though I wasn't that excited about it. He'd assured me things would go just fine and led me back to the stands._

 _I've always had this issue with seeing happy families._

 _It's not that I'm bitter, it's just that seeing them makes me remember the pain I'd felt when I had my potential set up ripped away from me in a matter of minutes._

 _And that recurring pain took it's toll._

* * *

 ** _(Now)_**

Right now, I'm in the school auditorium's light room, drilling his lithe body into some dirty old couch.

I should be out in the crowd, supporting Renji's performance, but I couldn't help myself.

Another attempt at avoiding this fucking kid lasted about a week. When I'd arrived, he was in the very front selling concessions, dressed in a white button up, a skinny tie, and black, fitted slacks, his hair done neatly and all that. He looked kind of like a waiter, and the thought made me smirk at him. This time he didn't turn that beautiful shade of red that I like, but he did start that fidgeting with his hands that I hate (probably because he thought I was thinking of what I would do to him, which I was), and he pushed those full lips into a pout; I damn near lost myself right there. But I was practicing self-control. I wasn't going to touch him ever again. That'd be the right thing to do.

Well, about 20 minutes into the damn thing, I couldn't stop thinking about him.

His pouty lips, his pale skin, his nervous hands...It took all of my being to not get up during the first act and go see him. Even still, I slunk to the lobby, but couldn't find him anywhere. A door was behind the concession booth, so I hopped over it and knocked very lightly. He opened it, his eyes filling with surprise before he yanked me inside and slammed my back against the door. He parted those beautiful lips and just looked at me. I waited about a minute for him to say something, but he dropped to his knees and sucked my dick like he needed it to breathe. But it was surprising, considering the kid didn't have a _properly_ experienced bone in his body. It didn't matter, though. It was enough to get me to push him onto that couch.

I want to fuck him hard, how I like it, but I just can't for some reason.

This time, it's different. Our pace is slower, and it's driving him mad.

His fingers dig deeper into the back of my shirt, and his legs squeeze my waist with more urgency. I notice little flecks of color on his neck and chest, and one long stroke under his chin. I can tell he's messy when he paints. I shouldn't care.

It's barely noticeable, but his skin clings a little tighter to his bones now. I worry. Isn't he eating regularly? Well, I shouldn't care.

He keeps muttering my name over his moans instead of ' _daddy_ ,' and I don't need that. But it sounds kinda hot...

His hair smells like honey and green tea. I shouldn't care.

He always swivels his hips a little when he's close. I shouldn't care.

Fuck.

I _shouldn't_ care.

"Wait..." He whimpers. I stop my thrusts. "I-I have to...work the...light-board..." He whispers over heavy pants.

I huff through my nose. "Sorry." I roll off of him and watch him as he pulls his pants up and fixes his appearance. He sits down and starts flipping switches and pressing buttons, scratching his head as he goes along. Rather than sit there with my dying hard on hanging out my pants, I fix myself and scoot myself closer to him. His lips tighten into a line when he glances at me through the corner of his eye, and I chuckle softly. The close space must be overwhelming him. "Tell me about what you're doing." He jumps when he hears my voice, probably because I don't talk to him much anymore.

"A-About...this?" He gestures to the board of buttons and switches.

"Well, what else are you doing right now?" I ask harshly and roll my eyes. Geez, I gotta work on my tone with him if I ever want to have an actual conversation with him. Which would make things more complicated; but it's too late to back out now, right?

He looks down. "S-Sorry." I grunt a response, and he turns back to the switchboard. "Well, here are the downstage lights...and the switch for the sound board backstage. That has to stay on...And these are for the ambiance lights for the whole stage..." I hum my responses, even though I'm not really looking or listening to what he's saying. I'm mostly thinking about how good-looking he is, and about our unfinished business. "This is the switch for the automatic curtain."

"Uh-huh..." I sweep away the sweat-drenched hair from his forehead and his breath catches in his throat. He looks so nice in this dim lighting, and I find mysel wanting to see him only under it ever again. I lean forward and kiss him gently, something that does not exist in our world, and it even feels off to me.

I shouldn't do this.

I shouldn't drag him into this mess that I've created.

I've got 18 years worth of issues he's too young to understand, and the thought about that being longer than he's existed...is so fucked.

It feels too good.

"You're too good."

...I don't want to ever stop...

I peck his lips gently once more, leaving him floating in confusion, and go back to watch the play. The timing of the lights is a bit off, and I know he's thinking about what I said, what I shouldn't have said, and it's fucking him up. Even on the ride home he was lost. Renji spoke excitedly to the both of us, but in the rear-view mirror I could see him staring out the window, a small smile gracing those lips I like so much.

* * *

 _ **~Shuuhei's POV~**_

 _ **(a month later)**_

 _I never thought I'd be starting the year off like this._

"...You're so pretty, I can't take it, Shuu-chan..."

"Stop saying things like that..."

"How can I? You're such a cute little mouse~"

"Don't call me that!"

"Haha! How else will I get you to frown like that for me?"

"You could just ask!"

"But it wouldn't be genuine..."

"Whatever..."

I turn and continue painting on the large sheet-like paper Gin has strewn up for me on his wall. I shiver a bit due to the fact that I'm only in a white pair of my boxer-briefs. Mid-shiver, Gin snaps a picture, and I blush a bit, causing him to take another picture of me. The only reason I had to take up this second job is because Omaeda found out about my living situation. The times I told him about my parent's "vacation" didn't add up any longer, and I had to pay him to keep quiet about it or he'd report me to child services or something. Which really pissed me off because I'm basically an adult now. My 17th birthday was about four months ago, so I have to keep this charade up for a few more until I'm out of this position. But anyway, back to my sunflowers. Gin suggests I press myself against the paint and turn around to become a part of the piece myself. I listen, and the picture comes out great.

"You have this face, Shuu-chan...I can't describe it, but it's just... so unique," he says, and I smile at him. I don't mind him calling me that as much. It's better than "little mouse" by a long shot.

Gin invites me to stay a while for tea, and I smoke a cigarette on his couch while we wait for it, the paint slowly drying on my body. He snaps a few photos of that, too. I never really meant to take up smoking, especially since I don't approve of it, but I tried one of Gin's, and unfortunately, I ended up liking it. I don't smoke often, maybe one or two a day, or whenever I feel stressed out. Gin says I look beautiful with a cigarette, mature, which always made me uncomfortable at first, but I don't mind his honesty as much recently. It's really just the long looks that he'll give me sometimes...so intense and focused...I _will_ say that he's not as bad as I initially thought, he's just a little odd. And I can actually say that he's kind of entertaining to be around. He's got this artistic view on everything, and he says things about my art that I've never heard _anyone_ say before...Well, even if I showed anyone what I painted, I doubt they'd say the nice things he has.

" _An expression of a truly radiant, dominating soul, yearning for independence_." Or _something_ like that.

It was definitely something I hadn't ever thought of myself, and my art couldn't be _that_ good, so I was really taken by surprise. He let me look through his gallery before I decided if I wanted to model for him, and some of the pictures made me shift my eyes away and blush (which made him laugh), but others were so perfectly presented it made my heart beat a little faster. And then...I got to the last page, where his latest pictures were, and _I_ was there. I had this huge frown on my face, and I could see the creases near my mouth and between my eyebrows, down my eye with my big, ugly scar, and one where my recent scar is. I could actually see the _pain_ in my eyes. I hadn't given much thought to my own unhappiness in a long time, so the shock of seeing myself that way made me tear up a bit, but I was able to hide it. It's been a month since then, and modelling for Gin is actually a part of coming home that I enjoy. That and possibly having Mr. Muguruma come by...

" _SHIT!_ " I was supposed to meet with him today! I check the time on my phone and realize that I've missed the last train going towards his office.

"What?" Gin asks.

"I was supposed to do something today, but it's too late." I panic a little inside since I don't know how he'll react to it. I've always been on time to our meetings, ready and willing to do whatever he wanted. But this time I've missed it altogether...

"Well, you're covered in dry paint anyway, so I doubt you would've made it to whatever it was if you'd've showered first," Gin says with a laugh.

"Yeah..." I say as I wipe my face and sip my tea.

He lights a cigarette. "I wanted to ask you," he takes a long drag before letting it out. "I have an idea for a shoot," He rubs the back of his head. "You don't wear glasses, do you?"

"What?" I turn over on my stomach and put out my cigarette in the ashtray.

"Glasses, do you wear them?"

"Well, no. But why?"

He blows smoke. "I think they'd make you look elegant. Even more so than now."

"...Good choice of words..."

He immediately laughs at my flushed face, and covers his face with a sigh. "It's okay, you don't have to."

"I don't even wear them, Gin. And aren't you all about genuineness, or whatever?"

"Yeah, but I do think you'd look good, though." I look up and he's staring right through me, a small smile on his lips; one thing I really dislike.

It couldn't really be that bad. I mean, I'm sitting here half-naked, covered in paint on his couch, for crying out loud.

"Ugh...okay, I'll do it. But only because you pay me so well." Gin perks up immediately, and he runs to the back on his apartment and comes back with a pair of red-rimmed, oval glasses.

"Why are they red? This is some sexual thing, huh?"

"Well, I knew you wouldn't say no! Being the sweet little mouse that you are," he grins and holds up his hands when I snatch them from him.

After my shower, I can't help but think about how I stood up Mr. Muguruma today... I kind of depend on seeing him during the week; he's become part of what I need to survive, I think. He's been talking to me a bit more openly, and not just the occasional command when we sleep together. It's not quite as satisfying as being able to read his mind would be (or just having him actually talk to me for more than five minutes), but I won't push him at this point. He wants me, and he shows it, so I won't fuck that up. It must take a lot to realize what he's feeling...I can't believe I forgot about him.

Shows how in love with him I am...

When we're done, Gin promises to edit them as quick as he can so I can see them, and I head over to my place. I forgot to give back his false glasses, but I don't bother since I live down the hall. I'm dead tired, plus it's pretty late. I unlock my door and step inside, tired from a long day of work and modelling.

* * *

 ** _~Kensei's POV~_**

I hear a door slam just as I reach the top of the stairs to his floor. I'm a little heated since he didn't show up earlier, and because I've had such a crap day and I needed to unwind. Does he think he can just stand me up? Clearly nothing is wrong with him if he's up and moving around. I storm up to 307 and notice that his iron door is missing. Ignoring it, I try to knock on the wood as lightly as possible, not to show any irritation. I hear light footsteps, then a ' _clink_ ' as the peephole opens. I don't look directly into it, but I know he recognizes me because a small gasp comes from behind the door. I'd chuckle if I weren't so mad right now. Another few seconds pass, and I tap a little harder on the door. I hear the lock, then the whine of the hinges he hasn't gotten fixed yet. He hides half of his face, the scarred half, and I can feel his shame leak out behind him.

"I-I..." He starts an excuse immediately, then trails off and avoids my gaze.

We've been in this position before. The first time I showed up here, he was surprised to see me, and I was furious then, too. I push the door further, ready to either punch his lights out or torture him in bed (I can't decide), but I stop when I get a full look at him. He's wearing glasses. A fucking. Pair. Of _Red_. Glasses.

What.

The.

 _Fuck_...

I storm in and clutch his shirt in my fists, almost lifting him off the ground and pushing him to a wall. "You... _fucking_..."

"I-I'm s-sorry..." He looks terrified again, but I'm the one whose knees are shaking.

He...

The glasses...He looks like... _her_. Fuck...

I'm hyperventilating through my nose, my chest heaving wildly up and down, my hands slightly shaking him as well. I probably just look pissed off to him, but I really feel like I'm going to collapse. From seeing fucking glasses...

Ten years...Ten years I've been shoving every thought, every image, every smell, every _sound_ of her into a box in the very back of my head where it wouldn't be able to crush me anymore. Ten years since I've seen her, yet here she stands, looking directly at me with those same narrow eyes.

Why...Why _him?_

Why does he look so much like _her?_

It fucking hurts...Why does it hurt _so much?_

And _why_ does it turn me on?

I release one of my hands from his shirt, and he flinches and turns his head away. He thinks I'm going to seriously hurt him, but I just place it on the wall beside him, making him wince. I hang my head and try to get it together, to wrangle all the loose thoughts of her back into that box and seal them away.

But I can't do it.

I want to ask him why, to ask for an explanation, to curse him for making me want him so bad, and for what he's done now, but I can't get the words together in my head. Everything is swirling, like a blizzard of chaos.

When I look at him, I see her too, and my body wants them both.

I turn his head and kiss him gently. He relaxes into it, but it's hesitant, his lips moving tender and confused from my actions; though still eager as always. I lift him and he straddles my waist, his legs bringing my shirt up from my jeans. I feel his crotch rub against my jeans and it prompts me to get to the bedroom. I undo my pants as I kiss him, and squeeze his hands harshly when he tries to undress himself. I want to do it. When I pull his pants off, the shirt he's wearing falls away too, and I see white boxer briefs restraining his hardened cock. The pain in my chest gets so much fucking worse that I feel like I can't fuck him now. I sit there for a good minute staring at those glasses on his face. Pain floods my stomach, and I hunch over him, remembering all the fears _she'd_ awoken in me.

 _Rejection._

 _Isolation._

 _Hell._

In the minute I'd thought about not fucking him, he'd taken it upon himself to pull my dick out of my pants and start stroking it himself. He thinks I want him to lead. He wants me, but I want her. How would I be able to...

"Are you okay?" The genuine concern in his voice reminds me that I am more than just a good fuck to him, that I am more than his friend's father, or a doctor.

I'm so much _more_ to him.

And that is _not_ a good thing.

I move quick before I decide to back out, and flip him over. He doesn't make a sound until I push into him, the glasses crushed and thrown away for fear of triggering me again. I fuck him hard and slow into his mattress, my hand tightly wound in his silky, black locks, and his cries drowning into his comforter. The springs scream in protest from our movement and I don't punish him for making noise this time. I could care less about him enjoying himself. I find that fucking him like this is worse than I imagined, that not seeing his face makes it easier for me to somehow see _hers_ ; to pretend that the tightness I'm buried in doesn't belong to some snot-nosed kid I know. Seeing my hand just buried in black hair, with no other details, makes it easy for me to hear _her_ high pitched whines and ' _daddy_ ' coming out in sobs from _her_ lips. I flip him over and try to fuck him this way, but it doesn't help, he just reminds me of her too much. I grip his legs tighter, and spread them further apart and up until they reach their limit. His moans escalate, and they turn me on, but not enough to make me forget. In frantic motions, I strip him completely, and I just stop and look at him.

I don't see _her_ anymore. I no longer see the body that turned it's back on me, nor hear the voice that spat burning words about never seeing me again.

I just see him. Him in all his shivering, panting, flushed glory. It makes me feel alive again. I can breathe.

Whatever panic attack I just had makes me lean over him and shove my face into his neck. My breaths are deep, but they're calmer as I remember that someone is here with me. And he's willing to be whatever the fuck I want him to be. I lift him up and sit, his legs falling on either side of me and his arms wrapping around my neck. I feel stickiness on my abdomen, but I don't even remember feeling him tense up to cum or even saying anything about being close. I bounce him in my lap harshly, his broken gasps pushing me further and further. I kiss him deeply and I slow my thrusts back to a crawl, something that I found out drives him crazy. It's not really the way I like it, but I want to see his face when he loses it again. I place my hand around his cock and watch him as he gets closer and closer, the wrinkles of his pathetic little concentrated frown echoing across his face. Between his eyebrows, around his mouth, and across the scar on his eye. His hair sticks to his forehead with sweat and I brush it away, watching the beads roll down his face, drip onto his flushed neck; where I would either lick it off, or watch it further until it hit his smooth, flat stomach.

He's a fucking _masterpiece_.

I don't deserve to look at someone so _goddamn_ _beautiful_ , let alone fuck them.

I don't deserve to know that I'm the only one that gets to see this face. This _beautiful_ fucking face thrown back with the intensity of an orgasm.

I don't deserve someone so fucking devoted to me. Someone who, after the exhaustion of cumming _twice_ , would put so much effort into riding me until I explode.

I don't deserve him _at all_.

Not when I have thoughts like earlier, not when I think of someone else while pounding the life out of him. Not when I treat him the way I do. And for what? So I can deny my feelings for him? More like repress them. Like somehow treating him like _absolute shit_ will somehow make him less of a radiant light in my eyes. Like it makes it easier for me to see him leave and come back to this place to sleep alone, _all alone_ , not knowing when his parents will come for him.

He doesn't deserve the same shit from me.

My orgasm tears through me, and I bite his shoulder, where I usually do, and feel his nails dig into my own broad shoulders.

 _Lisa_...

I don't say it out loud. I _can't_.

I hear him quietly gasp ' _fuck_ ' in my ear, from the pain of my bite. He habitually releases his arms around me to move, but I don't let him this time. His breathing hitches, but he relaxes and just lets me sit there with him. I know I'm confusing the hell out of him tonight, but I honestly don't know how to say what I want to say. I pull out of him and gather the comforter around us when we lay down. I can't look at his face right now, I'm too...confused, so I pull him close to me until I feel the force of his breath against my sweaty chest. As I think deeply, I don't immediately notice how steady it's become, revealing that he's gone to sleep. Once I'm sure of that, I pull him away from me and inspect his face. His features are so relaxed, and I don't think I've ever seen him this at peace.

I want to keep him this way forever, but I need to figure out my own shit before I can do that for him.

He can't see me like this again, not when I'm such a fucking mess.

* * *

 _ **~Shuuhei's POV~**_

My bed is so warm.

I don't think I've ever woken up with this much heat surrounding me before.

I'm _drenched_ in sweat.

Mine _and_ his.

He snores so loud, louder than I remember, but I kinda like it. It's like an alarm clock.

He's facing my tiny balcony, and his shoulders stack up like a fucking mountain. I can't even see my window from behind him. He groans and turns on his back, prompting me to scoot back quickly so I'm not crushed. His snoring has stopped now, replaced with light breathing. I watch his chest rise and fall, the 69 tattoo shifting on is skin with each breath, and I find myself tracing it with my finger. I feel like if I move, if I get up to pee or eat or whateverthefuck, I'll lose this moment forever.

It'll be nothing but a sad memory.

I don't know what's going on in his head.

I don't know if that shit last night was a fluke, a mistake, or some new form of teasing me he's come up with, but I really hope it was real.

He held me and kissed me and took his sweet time. He mumbled something about me being beautiful, and how sorry he was. It was _unreal_.

I move to get up and swing my legs over the side of the bed.

Do I dare leave?

I have to. I want to show him how much I care about him too.

* * *

I hear my guitar fall in my room as I flip the omelette I made onto the other side. I laugh a bit. He probably didn't see it. I hear a mumbled 'shit.' It makes me smile.

I think this is how it's supposed to feel. Love, I mean.

I think it's supposed to be early mornings to cook for that person, hearing them noisily get up to join you.

I think it's supposed to be putting that specially made omelette on the one plate you have, putting it down at the table next to you, then taking a seat with your cup of juice. You watch as that person walks into the room still putting on their clothes. They look up, they see what you've got, and they're surprised.

You say, "G-Good morning." Breathe. Calm down. Wait for one in return. When they don't speak, you take a deep breath again and say, "I-I didn't have much around...b-but I found two good eggs and made an omelette...for y-you." They glance at your empty space on the table; nothing but a cup of juice. "...I'll eat later." Wait. Be patient. Nothing yet? That's okay. Keep trying.

"..."

I don't think love is a deafening silence after having a night as passionate as that.

I don't think love is fear bubbling up in your throat that something awful is about to happen.

I _definitely_ don't think love is supposed to shrug on a coat and walk out the door without a word, a glance, _anything_.

Love can't be that bubbling fear spilling out and leaving you feeling like you've lost the ability to breathe.

Love can't feel like you've just had the worst trip of your life after the best high you've ever experienced.

Love... _love_...it feels like laughing after a bad joke. You know the punchline, the outcome, but you go along anyway. You do your part and further the question, only to be hit with the biggest let down of your life. But you still want more. You ask to keep them coming, but they just get worse. Then it's just not funny anymore.

Love shouldn't feel like that.

* * *

Later on that day, I sit on my balcony alone, in nothing but a long t-shirt from one of my friends, waiting for the snow to come.

I slip my legs through the bars and let them swing off the edge, and I lay my head on the bar above it.

The wind is refreshing, and it helps me feel not so flushed. It's cold as hell, but I like the bite on my skin. Kind of. It really hurts, actually. But it's something else to worry about.

I pick up my plate and take another bite of his omelette, sifting through it in my mouth to find the eggshells I got in it because I was too excited, too happy, to cook. A mistake.

If I'm not careful, I'll choke.

Another gust kicks up and I shiver harshly, but I don't go inside. It hurts. Though, I've felt worse.

Much, _much_ worse.

I finish the omelette, arrange the last few sharp pieces on my plate, then relax.

I feel a bit light-headed, but I might just be tired. I'll be fine. The snow starts.

Finally...

* * *

 **Oh, high school light-room couch, how I miss thee...**

 **And 5 chapters just isn't going to cut it...I love writing this too much.**

 **What did you think of Kensei's backstory? Do you guys think his actions are justified?**

 **And I feel so bad for my little Shuuhei because that kind of inconsistency can mess you up when you're young...**

 **Peace, y'all.**

 _ **~Po**_


	5. Chapter 5

**Hello again! Yes, I am finally back! I'm sure I don't have to explain why 2016 has been hectic. Let's be honest, its been the worst year of everyone's lives..**

 **But anyway! Time for another chapter, and after the beginning, it becomes quite a fluffy one at that. Hey, I think I've put everyone through quite a bit, don't you? They deserve a break.**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

Shit shit shit shit.

"Oh my God...Oh my God...Oh my fucking God."

After I left his place, I took a walk by myself and thought about how I was gonna handle this whole baggage thing. I didn't really see the point in keeping him hanging on a thread while I figured myself out, so I came back to apologize, and then break things off. Of course, when I get there, I find him sitting on the balcony in the early snow, hardly covered and still as stone. I pull him inside by his chest, his feet knocking the plate off the small balcony. I don't bother closing the sliding door, I just pick up his wrist and it drops from my grasp immediately.

"Please don't be dead." I press my ear to his chest and listen for a heartbeat. It's barely there. "Kid." I shake him a little. "Oh. God, please don't do this I'm so sorry don't die don't die don't die." I chant the last bit while I pump his chest, waiting for him to take that big gasp of air. Instead, I see blood slowly leak from his nostril. I scream and frantically open his mouth to blow air into it, then go back to pumping his chest. His back arches as he finally gasps, a broken and sickly noise, then drops heavily. His breathing is slight, but it's there. I pick him up and take him to his bathroom where his hot water knob is broken off. "Shit..." I have to get him warm.

I scoop him up in my arms and rush out to my car, laying him in the back and draping my coat over him. The entire ride, I keep checking the rear view mirror, making sure his nose doesn't continue to bleed or he stops breathing. I think about taking him to a hospital, but the only one is too far for comfort.

My house is closer...

Fuck. What about Renji?

With a heavy sigh, I turn my car around and head home.

* * *

 ** _~Shuuhei POV~_**

I know I'm not dead, but it sure feels like it.

My body is engulfed in something warm...a blanket maybe? My nose is also really clear...like there's Vic's on my chest or something. I gotta know what's going on.

If only I could just open my eyes...

When I do, I realize I'm in a tub, and it's filled with my familiar menthol and green tea bath. I also realize that the tub I'm in looks just like the one in Renji's house.

"I'm in a tub." I absentmindedly say it out loud, just to make sure I'm really alive. My skin is tender, reminding me that I almost froze to death on my small balcony. Then the other memories flooded in...

Fuck.

When I feel strong enough, I get up and grab the towel that's neatly folded on the toilet.

Yep. Definitely used this towel before.

I catch a glance of myself in the mirror as I head to the bathroom door, and what's staring back startles me. My eyes are sunken in with purple half circles under them. Whether they're from my skin being exposed t the cold, or from the hours I spent crying in that cold, I'll never know.

Not wanting to see myself any longer, I walk out of the bathroom and into the dark house. First I walk to the living room, where some show set in the 1800s is playing. The light from the kitchen is glowing softly, paired with the aroma of spices over flames, so I swallow my fear and ready myself to face whoever is waiting around that corner. It's Mr. Muguruma, and he's at the stove, stirring something and dancing to some faint song on Renji's iHome.

"Thunder only happens when it's rainin'~, players only love you when they're playin'~. Hmm, hmm, hmmmm..."

As I realize he's singing Dreams by Fleetwood Mac, I let out a short chortle (since I never pegged him for a Stevie Nicks kinda guy), which scares the shit out of him. He turns around with wide eyes and spatula in hand ready to fight. A second later, he straightens himself, and clears his throat. I feel the atmosphere in the room change, so the smile disappears from my face. Instead, my bottom lip folds between my teeth, signaling my nervousness.

"Oh. Hey," he says.

"Hi," I reply in a hoarse voice, which shocks me. I put my hand over my throat in disbelief. His eyebrows draw up in concern.

"How you feelin'?"

"Alright."

Our exchanges are still short and awkward.

"...I put some clothes in Renji's room for you...and I'm also making some food, if you're hungry." I swipe my wet hair back, and he watches me as his cheeks flush just a little. I just watch his eyes follow my movements, but I don't say anything. He clears his throat and turns back around to the stove. "Just, um, just come out whenever you want."

Sure enough, some clothes are laid out for me on Renji's bed, and I just stand there staring at them for a while before I put them on.

I remember clothes being in this exact position the first night we...It's kind of jarring. I get dressed then head back to the kitchen, not realizing how hungry I was until I smelled the food again. He nods to the couch in the living room, so I go sit while he makes our meals. On the couch, there's a folded up blanket, and just looking at it gives me shivers, so I take that side and bundle up. Kensei hands me a bowl, which is filled with curry, and sits on the opposite end of the sofa. We eat in an awkward silence, and I know that neither of us are paying attention to the television because we don't laugh at the jokes. I start to feel anxious, my throat tightening, and my hands getting clammy, and I feel like it's due to me not knowing what to do with myself. I shouldn't be here, he shouldn't have brought me here, I. Should. Not. Be here.

"Where's Renji's?" I ask, looking for any excuse to get out of here.

"Uh, he's on an away baseball game. Won't be back until Monday night."

That reminds me, we have a three day weekend.

What am I gonna busy myself with?

"Oh."

More silence.

I wonder what's going through his head...

"Y'know..." He pauses, for longer than normal, so long I assume he's just stopped. "You could, uh, stay here this weekend. If you want."

I don't look at him. I can't look at him.

Is this a trick?

What about this morning? Was he just fucking with me?

"You don't have to."

I still don't answer, mostly because I don't know what to say. I want to ask him what happened, or why he even invited me to stay, or if we should just cut this off. But my heart wants to jump into his arms, bathe in all the love an attention that may not even be there. But...he wants me here, right?

"Okay." Shit. No going back.

"What?"

"I'll stay...I guess."

"Oh. Okay."

We look back to the TV, and don't say anything for a long time. I make a bold move and scoot closer to him. He inhales sharply and moves his arm to the back of the couch, presumably to make room for me. I scot in closer, until my shoulder presses against his side. He big arm lowers onto my shoulder, and pulls me closer. I feel my face het hot as his hand starts to stroke my arm. Slowly, it smoothed up and down, soothing me and unnerving me all at the same time. I keep my arms wrapped around my knees. I'm not sure what to do, since I half expected to be rejected. I swallow as I feel his hand go to the base of my neck, smoothing the damp hair down, then twirling it around his finger.

It's weird, and uncomfortable, but it also feels so good, intimate.

Would he do this to just anyone?

As I get lost in my thoughts again, I don't realize I'd turn to look at him, and that I'd been doing so for quite some time. He takes his other hand and lifts my chin, stroking my bottom lip with his thumb before leaning down to connect our lips. I am thrown into overdrive immediately and shove my tongue in his mouth. He makes a sound of surprise, but his lips curl into a smile as he pushes back with equal force. We turn into a mess of saliva and burning skin, and somehow I ended up straddling his lap, and everything is fast and hot and good, and I never want it to end. As his kisses become gentler, his hands continue to explore. One finds its way under my shirt, grazing my nipples and running over my stomach. The other kneads my ass, slipping into my boxers every once in a while. He nudges my head up with his, and begins to bite my neck. As his fingers tease between my cheeks, I feel overstimulated. Dizziness sets in, and my moans turn into groans as I go limp in his arms. He catches me, and lays me down on the couch, checking my pulse and feeling my forehead. He gets up, and when he comes back I feel something cool on my forehead and hear him chuckle. I try to lean up again, but he pushes me down.

"Easy, kid. Maybe we take it slow, yeah?"

I smile a little and nod. "Okay."

* * *

The next morning I wake up in his bed, bundled up in his large comforter, and I don't even remember falling asleep. I must have been exhausted.

"You're a wild sleeper."

"I know," I say as I turn around to face him. He has no cover on him, and I realize I am hogging it all. "Sorry." I say sheepishly with a smile. He just leans over and kisses me. I can't stop the next thought from spilling out of my mouth. "This is weird." His face drops.

Shit. Nice going, Shuuhei.

"I...I know." Im surprised at his response, but I stare at him as I listen intently. "This isn't exactly normal. You're my sons' friend, and I'm literally twice your age." It had always gone unspoken, but now that we both heard out loud what we'd been thinking since the first night we spent together, things had gotten a lot more complicated.

"So..." I pause and sit up, the blanket falling off my bare shoulders. He glances at my exposed skin, then back at me. "I guess...we should stop?" I wrap my arms around my knees again, and look down. I can't look at him.

Not when I know the answer.

"No, no, no." He grabs my hands and holds them. " Whatever...this," he gestures between us, "is, I know I don't want it to end. I care about you, Shuuhei. It's complicated, but nothing is ever gonna change that." I don't fight the grin that spreads across my face.

"So, what do you we do?"

"I don't know." There's another one of his famous pauses. "I'll figure it out. But or now, let's just enjoy it, okay?" I nod, and he leans over to kiss me. Its quick, but it holds meaning, making it the best kiss we've had so far. " I haven't been fair to you, and I'm sorry for that, but let me make it up to you."

"Okay."

"What do you want to do?"

"What, like today?"

"Yeah. Anything you want."

"Hm...Well there's this pop up art gallery I wanted to go to, but I don't have any money."

Kensei rolls his eyes as if to say, "well, duh, I'll be paying for you," but it doesn't make me feel small. I just smile back.

"Well, get dressed."

"I don't have any clean clothes. I planned to do laundry this weekend."

"Just borrow some of Renji's clothes," he insists. I grimace, and he reads my face with accuracy. "Err, on second thought, I'd rather you not look like my son on our first sort-of date, heh."

"Yeah..." We both kind of awkwardly laugh, and he offers to take me shopping. We do, and it's weird, but it's fun. I settle on a black baseball tee and cap(Kensei's idea so no one will recognize me when we're out), some skinny jeans and some high-top black converse. After that, we head to the pop up museum.

"It's a new age, digital exhibit, with headphones for observers to be fully immersed in the art. The artists collaborated with some of musics' biggest artists, and together made one of the most elaborate digital art experiences. Or so I've heard..."I get a little sheepish after explaining it to Kensei. He's a man of science and logic, so I wasn't sure how he'd absorb all that I had just thrown at him.

"Cool."

I knew he hadn't understood it, so I didn't say anything else for the remainder of the ride. When we got there, I could barely contain myself as we waited in line. I kept skimming over the brochure, deciding which order I wanted to go in, and Kensei just stood close to me, obviously off-put by some of the characters also attending the exhibit. There was a large man with long dark hair, a pink leotard and tutu, and a large gold necklace that read "Charlotte" that kept winking at Kensei every time he'd glance at him. Another man that was twice the first guys size who had spiky, black hair. There was a beautiful woman with dark skin and purple hair accompanied by a man dressed in overalls sporting an impressive mustache. All different people from all walks of life were here. It didn't matter where you came from or what kind of past you had, all were welcome to participate in the glory that is art. When we finally got in, I quickly put on my headphones and started my trek. Kensei followed diligently behind with his own headphones, occasionally trying to ask me questions, but forgetting that I couldn't hear him.

"What is this music?" I finally heard him say when I removed my headphones.

"Well, some of the songs chosen are by The Hics, but they have a few different people featured here."

"Like who?"

"There's Taylor McFerrin, Alina Barack, Glass Animals, and a few others, but those are the people who are featured the most."

"You know a lot about this stuff. Have you come here before?"

"No, I just did my research," I say proudly. He smiles at me then we dawn our headphones once more. After a while, we'd visited almost every piece in the exhibit, and he had one left.

Kensei read the screen that waited for us to initiate. "Cold Air."

"It's one of my favorite songs," I reply.

We press the buttons on our headphones at the same time, and the screen lit up with bursts of color that mimicked the sound waves of the sound. The lyrics gave me chills (that explains the name), and it made me glad to be able to participate in art this way. I'd always done my own work, but there is always something different about observing another artists life. Kensei looks at me, and I can't read his emotion. It's a mix of a few, but they are hard to name. As he just stares at me, I start to get self conscious, just wanting him to stop. He licks his lips gently, and I am in agony at what could be going on in his head, as usual. He suddenly grabs my face, catching me off guard, and pressing his lips to mine. People stop and stare at us, but I don't pull away. It feels too good. We conclude our kiss and just stand there staring at each other.

"I'm sorry."

"..." I place my hand over his and just nod.

"I'm sorry gentlemen, but we have to keep the exhibit circulating." An attendant gestures for us too move along, and we almost don't even hear him. Luckily, I do, so I take Kensei's hand and lead him to the next one.

"Wait," he stops me. "Can we get out of here?"

"Y-Yeah," I say nervously.

We take off our headphones and rush out of the exhibit and head to his car. He pushes me against it and kisses me with more urgency than before, and that let's me know what he wants. We get in the car, and fuck hard in his back seat. He's slow and gentle with me since I am still a bit weak from my stunt last night, but he makes sure to hit every angle just right to make electricity shoot up my back. He holds my hand on the silent ride home, and I just couldn't wipe the grin off of my face.

* * *

The remainder of the weekend, we just lounged around the house. Occasionally, I'd ask him about his past, which made him visibly unsettled, but he always answered it the best he could. He told me about his trouble in school, how he and Renji came together, and how that made him want to become a doctor. I was grateful to know all of these things, but I couldn't shake the feeling that something was missing from his story. I didn't pry, but his life just felt...empty. He'd divert the conversation whenever I asked more questions, so I just decided to leave it alone and just enjoy the rest of the weekend. We'd fuck on the kitchen island while we made dinner, and in his bed a few times, but we mostly stayed huddled up on the couch watch my favorite childhood cartoons.

"I still don't understand how a talking sponge managed to captivate an entire generation."

"It's not there for you to understand, old man. It is a work of art that only millennials can understand, since we've adapted it to our extensive internet culture and forms of expression."

"That was all gibberish."

"Of course it was."

Silence falls over us once again, but this time it's different. It's filled with comfort, something I haven't felt in a long time, and especially with him. As I fight to force the small smile on my face, a thought hits me.

 _This will never normal._

I swallow hard, and try to block it out by focusing on the TV.

 _You will never be able to be with him._

My stomach turns, and I feel anxiety creeping up my back, making my hands fidget and my breathing increase.

Shit.

I can't just loose it here, I've got to keep it together. C'mon, Shuuhei. Enjoy something for once in your miserable life.

 _None of this will never be yours. He's your best friend's father for god's sake._

A knock at the door shakes me from my downward spiral, and Kensei's movement stirs me from the calm that I was chasing.

"Who could that possibly be?" He asks gruffly to no one in particular. He shrugs off the blanket we were sharing and stands to answer it. I wrap myself up in the blanket and watch as he slides on a shirt, obviously unhappy with having his time with me interrupted.

The door knocks again, and he shouts, "Yeah, I'm comin! Jesus..." He looks through the peephole, and I can see the shock on his face before he even turns to face me.

"It's Renji."

You've got to be fucking kidding me.

I hop up quickly and run to Kensei's bedroom and get dressed in my own clothes, then I head to the bathroom to try and cover up what had been the most magical weekend of my life spent with his father. I hear muffled speech outside the door, and when I open it, I hear Renji loud and clear from the kitchen.

"...ran into her at the bus station! Can you believe it?" I walk out to the living room and see Renji standing next to Kensei, the both of them facing a mysterious looking woman I had never seen before.

"Shuuhei c'mere! There's someone I want you to meet!" I reluctantly walk towards the group, my hands fidgeting nervously as always. As I get closer to them, I spot Kensei's face, and it seems as if he had been staring at a ghost, and that ghost was standing right in front of him apparently.

"This is Lisa. She's...well she's someone really important to us."

The woman _Lisa_ doesn't even look at me, though I still say hello to her. She's a tall woman, with long black hair and piercing turquoise eyes.

"Kensei...please say _something_..." He doesn't.

"W-...Wha..." Renji looks between them, and his smile slowly disappears.

"L-Look...I know I left, but I honestly wasn't ready to start a family. I wasn't ready to settle like my parents had, giving up their dreams in favor of a safe home-life. I was born to travel, to be free and to not settle for anything that I didn't want fully. There wasn't a day that went by where I didn't wish you were by my side, experiencing all of those things with me. I tried to justify my leaving, that I wasn't meant for a stable life with you. That I belong with someone like you, someone so leveled...But I realized that I wouldn't be settling with you. You're all I've ever wanted Kensei...I was just too young and too stupid to see that. Can you forgive me?" Her tone was cold as she delivered her harrowing speech, but there was no lack of feeling in her words.

Kensei said nothing, but the four of us proceeded to the table to eat dinner that Lisa had brought. Renji regaled us with stories from their past, things that I had never heard from Kensei, and now those missing pieces I had sensed were slowly being filled in. I sat at the end of the table furthest from the three of them, never taking my eyes off Kensei as I ate. He said nothing, but contributed an occasional grunt or a slight smile, but he never looked at me. Not once. I just sat there dazed and confused, not really knowing my place in all this mess.

"So you're probably wondering what brought me halfway across the globe. Well, I wanted to see if there was any way, even after all this time, your offer still stood?" She gave an awkward chuckle. Kensei's head snapped up and he looked at Renji then back at Lisa. Renji was holding small, old-looking black box with terrible decorations on it.

I already knew what it was, but I couldn't believe it.

"She only had a few minutes to tell me what she was up to on the ride over here, so I had to run to my room and grab this." Renji said with a laugh.

"Would you still want to be that family?"

His eyes flicker to me for the briefest of moments, and I wonder if he noticed the shade of green I'd been slowly turning.

* * *

 _ **~Kensei's POV~**_

Holy shit, I said yes.

So many thoughts were rushing through my head in that small span of time.

Did I still want a family with her?

Would this be good for Renji?

Would this be good for _me_?

And what must the kid think about all this?

I couldn't look at him over dinner. How could I when the love of my life sat three feet away from me?

Fuck. Fuck. **_Fuck._**

What the fuck was I supposed to say?

This was a way out. I wouldn't have to deal with the drama, Renji would have a family, I could be happy.

So why do I feel like shit?

I bring Renji with me when I drop the kid off because I'm a coward. I couldn't muster up the balls to explain things to him, to apologize for lying to him, for betraying him like this.

I don't know what to do.

It's easier to think that this would just go away, that this fling with him meant nothing to either of us, and that he would understand that this was always what was going to happen.

But even I didn't believe me.

We drop him off and I catch a glimpse of him crumpling to the ground as we drive away, but I don't look back.

I can't look back. This is my chance to have a normal life with the woman I love.

I'm making the right choice. For me anyway.

Aren't I?

* * *

 _ **So that break I talked about earlier was a little short-lived no?**_

 _ **Okay, so I know I've been gone a long time, but I promise to be more consistent, as writing is something that relieves stress for me and is something I need to get back into. I've designated Sunday mornings and afternoons as my writing slot, so that way I can balance it with school and work and everything I've go going on.**_

 _ **Thanks for sticking around!**_

 _ **Peace y'all.**_

 ** _~Po_**


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